Catholicschoolitis

I have suffered from a disease for the last several decades.  It is time that I come clean and admit to my sickness; I suffer from a major disorder called catholicschoolitis - this is a serious malady brought on by years and years of having to wear a Catholic school uniform or confined to a strict dress code.  Major symptoms include compulsive shopping, anxiety to shop and petting or hugging of clothes once in one's closet.


From Kindergarten through 8th grade, I was stuck in a typical catholic school uniform - white Peter Pan collared shirt, cardigan sweater and plaid skirt. Since most of my day was spent in school, my mother felt it unnecessary to have any "play" clothes and I think I may have had two pairs of pants, maybe 3 shirts and a few sweaters for the winter.  Probably enough for a small child but I would often get jealous of my school mates who would flaunt their Guess jeans and Esprit outfits on "free dress" days.

For four years in high school, I was imprisoned in a dress code that required a collared, solid shirt, tucked into solid pants or skirt and we had to wear socks and closed-toed shoes.  A little more room for creative expression, but let's be honest, we all still looked like one another because we all shopped at the same stores in the small town in which I grew up.

So by the time I had my own money, car and access to some of the largest malls in the country... it was all over.  I wanted and needed everything.  No more was I going to limit myself to only one pair of pants when I can have it in every color.  Why shouldn't I have skirts in various textures and patterns?  Who knew that jackets are an accessory and not just for warmth?  Why have only one pair of shoes, when the options were limitless - heels, flats, leather, suede, boots, sandals, t-strap, open-toe, peep-toe, mule, chunk heel, stiletto.  Why had my mother been keeping me from all these goodies all these years?  (Ok, probably fine that she kept me away from the stilettos at the time, but you get my point)

Funny enough, my mother actually knows cities by their malls - Union Square /San Francisco, Stanford Shopping Center / Palo Alto, Stoneridge Mall / Pleasanton, Arden Fair / Sacramento.  Of course she'd drive me there and just tease me with all the shoppes and rarely actually buy me anything.  To which I think only contributed to my ailment and initial onset of catholicschoolitis.  And a few years ago, my mother did take me on a trip to see the mall of all malls.... The Mall of America in Minnesota.  Yes, we actually flew to Minnesota just to go to the mall, that's it.

Ironically, since living on my own, I have always lived within walking distance to a major mall - Century City Mall / Century City, South Coast Plaza /Costa Mesa, Fashion Island / Newport Beach, Tustin Marketplace / Tustin.  I'm not sure if I was drawn to the convenience or I just needed to be near a mother ship in order to sustain life.  

So now as an adult, I question why I have this constant desire to have so many clothes, accessories and shoes.  Growing up in a small town, I was not exposed to fashion or trends and yes living in Southern California has socialized me to be more fashionably inclined - but honestly, I think it comes down to the fact that I couldn't have anything as a child and now I want EVERYTHING.  

Signs that you suffer from catholicschoolitis:
*  You have been shopping for too long in one day that when you arrive home with all your packages and realize you have bought two scarves in the same exact color.
*  You ask the sales person to keep the clothes on the hanger, rip off receipts in the car and tell your significant other that you just picked up dry cleaning.
*  You shop in boutiques, befriend the owner, then feel obligated to make a purchase.
*  You often play in your closet trying on clothes and putting together outfits.... for fun.
*  You lay in bed at night wondering why you haven't seen a certain shirt in awhile and actually get up to go find it... then don't wear it for another 7 months
*  Window shopping is not an option.
*  Aforementioned boutique owner not only knows your name but your style, your phone number and will often hold items just for you or text you when something new has arrived. 
*  Buyer's remorse.  You are not familiar with this expression.
*  Anxiety sets in when you can't wait to wear something.
*  You have bought at least 300 fabric hangers from Costco... and still don't have enough for all your clothes.
*  Purchasing jackets and sweaters in the middle of summer is common.
*  Sometimes you just go hang out in your closet and hug your clothes.
*  You wear unique or recognizable items only once a year.
*  When purging clothes, you come across items that have not seen the light of day in months, maybe years, but you hug it and squeal, "I LOVE this skirt!" then think of ways you can incorporate it in your outfits that week.
*  You will conjure up events of when you'll be able to wear a piece of clothing in order to justify keeping it.  For example, "I can wear this the next time I'm invited to a Sunday tea in July."  Or "This will be perfect for when I attend a dinner party with friends."
*  You dry clean everything except lingerie, pajamas and workout gear.

I'm not saying that these are things that have actually happened to me... but let's just say that I'm sitting here and four new pairs of shoes are staring at me waiting to be worn.  Or at least taken out of the box to be petted.

I don't know, maybe I'm just a girl and love clothes.  Maybe I am just bored and have nothing else to do with my time on the weekends.  But I like to think being restricted in what I could wear as a child has led me to suffer from this condition as an adult.  So to my fellow friends also plagued by this affliction, I say embrace your Catholicschoolitis and...

First World Problems

I've heard from a few friends recently regarding my last post (Conversations With God) and I felt compelled to write a follow-up because I think the message was misconstrued.  Nothing is wrong, nothing catastrophic has happened in my life, nor have I lost faith and hope in everything.  Yes, my head has been in a dense, gray fog but mainly by my own choice.

The fact of the matter is this:  I have become so overwhelmed with the notion that I have an open window of opportunity in front of me.  I am actually "struggling" with fact that I can do ANYTHING with my life right now.  Anything.  

Pretty incredible problem to have, right?

What has troubled me the most though is that several people have misinterpreted my frustration lately with unhappiness - and this couldn't be farther from the truth.  People would say "try to find joy in every day" or "I just want you to happy!"  So it was really disheartening to hear that I was somehow exuding this disposition of unhappiness or desperation when, in fact, I wake up every morning grateful to be here, in this particular predicament.  I think "wow, how lucky am I to have this type of problem?"

So it's not happiness that I seek - I've already been fortunate enough to find that.  But more so, it's about finding peace within this storm I've brewed for myself.  My frustration, not unhappiness, is rooted in my own impatience and learning to accept that everything will happen in its own time.

When I first started this blog, I was lost, trying to find this path I'm supposed to be on.  And recently, with the encouragement, help and inspiration from a few select people, (ironically, all of whom I've met since this journey began a few short months ago), I have found myself in this vortex of endless possibilities.  Knowing that my options are unlimited and hoping to have the courage to pursue even one of them has left me completely freaked out.  In a good way, though.  And I'm beyond excited, anxious, nervous and frankly, scared shitless about my next steps.

I'm not going to go into the specifics of all that I'm pondering for my path (I'll share more once the plan in put into action) but on top of all these other life changing decisions swirling in my head, I had a separate wrench thrown into my heart at the same time.  

Earlier this year, I met someone with whom I finally felt comfortable letting my guard down and allowed myself to become vulnerable again. Meeting Matt was a simple but complex gift.  His mere presence in my life reminded me that not only are there other wonderful and amazing people out there but that I could learn to give up my heart to someone unconditionally again; I discovered that I wasn't broken anymore.  

But just as I'm feeling comfortable caring about someone else again.... he tells me he's moving out of the country, indefinitely. I had just spent the last two years salvaging the broken pieces of my heart after the breakup with Julian, and God sent me someone so I could learn how to love again, only for it to be taken away much too soon.  I know Matt was sent to me for so many reasons, for which I'm so grateful, as my life IS changing because of him; he's the reason behind starting this blog, he's the reason I've been pushed on this self-discovering journey, he's the reason I'm so motivated to make some major changes for myself.  

For these reasons and more, the thought of him exiting my life after only this brief time, wrecked me. It's so rare to meet someone who can create such an astounding impact on your life and I wanted to hold onto that inspiration as long as possible. But I've learned that not everyone stays in your life forever; just long enough to teach a lesson that we needed to learn.

And because my mind was already trying to digest everything else, this threw me over the edge to the point of complete emotional numbness these last few weeks.  So yes, I was sad, frustrated, defeated and disappointed... but still lucky to know that I had been blessed with an amazing gift as a result.

So perhaps my last blog post was a bit over-dramatic and something I should have just kept to myself (or simply discussed with my therapist) but I'm fine, I'm not losing my head or utterly depressed beyond repair. I'm good.  I more than good.  I'm awesome :)  I just suffer from First World Problems.

Conversations with God

I started this post weeks ago but have re-written, deleted and edited it several times.  Like a few of my earlier posts, I can't seem to clearly illiterate what's been going on in my head.  So here I find myself again, hoping that writing will help me delineate this stirring anxiety.

A lot has been going on in my life recently; events that have left me disappointed, unsettled, confused but at the same time, very excited.  I'm treading through murky waters in my head, able to breathe, but feeling hopeless in seeing the big picture.

In any case, these assortment of feelings is what prompted this post.

-----------------------

I was raised Catholic, attended private Catholic school for 13 years, and went to  was forced to go to church every Sunday.  But I think the last time I went to mass was for a wedding whose bride and groom thought it would be fun to have their guests gruelingly sit through an hour and an half ceremony.  My own mother almost had a heart attack when I told her I wasn't going to get married in a church. "It's one of the seven sacraments!" she argued... eh, I've already done four of them and I'll catch the last one on my way out (Anointing of the Sick).  God should be happy with my over 50% completion rate.

Today, if asked with what religion I associate myself, I would still say Catholic but don't necessarily believe in the institution of organized religion (much less agree with the church's strict doctrines or its blindness to priest impropriety).  I definitely believe in a God but do not identify with the term agnostic.  I don't judge anyone for whatever god, Buddha, Allah or which bible, Tanakh, or Quran one follows.  Whatever gives you faith, hope and morals, I don't judge anyone for their religious beliefs as long as it does not inflict harm or endanger others.  However, I'm skeptical of atheists... again, I don't judge, just skeptical.

Every morning, the first thing that pops in my head is "thank you for letting me wake up" as I am grateful that God has given me another day.  I also spend a few minutes to thank him for all my blessings and ask for continued strength and guidance.  This may make me sound very religious, but I would consider myself more spiritual.  I truly believe in this higher power, someone who has a predestined path in store for me.

I believe that God does have a plan for me however, I also believe he gives us free will which allows us to do whatever we want and make whatever decisions along the way, but it will all eventually lead us to the same destination - how fast we get there and what choices we make along the way is ultimately up to us.

These last few weeks I feel as though I've been walking around in a fog, half asleep to the world around me.  I've been unable to think clearly and am struggling with day to day routine tasks.  I'm grappling with life-changing decisions and being pulled in so many  directions which has left me emotionally distressed.  Each day, I ask God to help me find some clarity in this madness and help me be at peace with whatever lesson or path he has me headed down.  And yet, I pray for patience as I feel my own has definitely been pushed beyond its limits.

Over the last 10+ years, I've sat through endless hours of therapy and read numerous self-help books. I've tried to find direction in anything from horoscopes, inspirational quotes and even met with a psychic last year (that's a GOOD story in itself - I'll save that for another post!) And I'm sure my Facebook friends are annoyed with the endless emo quotes and pictures that I share on my wall but I love these simple reminders to keep me inspired.  But I've always found that returning to God is what keeps me going; it will always be the center from where my faith resides.

But lately... I've become a bit frustrated, dubious and I guess, disheartened with the Big Guy upstairs.  As the saying goes, "God won't give you more than what you can handle".... well, these days, I've been questioning his own faith in me.  How strong does he think I really am?  And why does he need to continually test my strength by throwing me these life curve balls?  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"; well at this point, I should be able to lift a large Cadillac.  

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I know that everything that has happened has happened for a reason and everything - the ups and downs, the headache and heartache, the joys and the tears - have occurred to help me prepare for whatever else is next.  But I've become disoriented with whatever test He's giving me right now but to the point of frustration and almost annoyance.  I find myself having these unusual conversations with God, often to a point of tears, where I don't even know what to pray for anymore.  I know he has this master plan in mind for me but sometimes I hear inside my head scream, "Give me a break! I just need a little break from all this!"

I feel as though my prayers are going unheard - even typing that statement , I know it's not true. But I'm exhausted.  I'm tired of these tests.  I'm tired of acting strong.  I'm tired of convincing myself that it's all part of the plan.  I'm just tired.

Infomercial Junkie

You know when you're awake at 2am and can't fall asleep so you turn on the TV only to find every channel is broadcasting random infomercials?  And you think, "who is buying this crap?"

Hi!  That would be me.  I'm an infomercial junkie.

Yes, I'm a sucker for a good infomercial and will most likely be sold on anything if it has the right elements: positive testimonials, reviews, and of course, the celebrity endorsements.  And I'll watch the same infomercial again and again sometimes.

My addiction to infomercials originated with workout videos - I still have a VHS tape of Billy Blanks' Tae Bo; the participants in the workout are sporting Pat Benatar hairdos, colorful spandex pants with graphic sports bras and matching headbands.  I loved this video and probably used it 3-4 times per week..,. back in the 90s.  I wanted to help film his next video (I, too, had a Pat Benatar haircut and flashy headbands - I would have be perfect!)  

I've been working out since I was about 12 years old.  I thank my dad for giving me such a warped sense of body image but I guess it has helped me continue to live a pretty active lifestyle as an adult.  But because I do tend to bored with the same routine, I like to mix up my workouts.  I also like having the option of working out at home when the weather isn't ideal for exercising outside. So I've since added to my "home gym" collection to keep ol' Billy Blanks company.

These are just a few I've purchased:

Power90  - This is the original P90X; it's only Tony Horton (before all the botched Botox) and two other people in a small room and the only "equipment" is some tape to make an X on the floor.  The workout was quite boring and let's be honest, I never made it to Day 90.

Great Stretch/Thighs/Legs - These are also still on VHS and I've held onto them because they're actually pretty good workouts which target one area at a time and they're only 20 minutes long.  Funny enough, Tony Horton is one of the participants in some of them, pre-P90X fame.

TheFirm - this one is pretty funny.  Its instructors are this group of 20-something Southern belles with whom you'd rather enjoy tea than exercise.  But the package included a set of great hand weights which all came in a cute purple box. The music is horrible, the workouts are mediocre but it's a great "I'm tired but still want to workout" workout.  And you can't help but laugh at these cheesy girls who don't even break a sweat.

Yoga Booty Ballet - I've actually really enjoyed this series as it incorporates yoga poses, ballet moves and dance.  The instructors are fun, it's a good workout for your bum and they keep it fun and versatile.  Although, I think the camera man had a crush on one of the participants and keeps going back to her too frequently throughout the workouts.

Mitch Gaylord, Melt It Off - Do you remember Mitch from the 1984 Olympic Summer games?  He was a member of the famed men's gymnastic team that year.  I was obsessed with that Olympics and couldn't order this one fast enough.  I love this video simply for the fact Mitch flashes his pearly whites, and encourages you to keep going as you're on your 200th squat and 500th lunge.  (I couldn't walk for 2 days after the first time I used this one, no lie)

Brazilian Butt Lift - This one won in a toss up with the Zumba DVD.  I was really excited about this but it hasn't lived up to the hype.  One, throughout the workout, it flashes between an indoor studio and then a scene in Brazil with these gorgeous Brazilian girls doing the same workout beachfront.  There's about a nanosecond delay and the count and music is off sometimes.  Not overly annoying, but annoying enough to make me not want to do it (yeah, THAT'S the reason I don't use it!)  It's not a bad workout but it's also not a very entertaining and fun workout... I should have gone with Zumba.

(Most of these are Beach Body Workouts - what I should do is invest in that company instead!)

Leg Magic - Ok, this one I'm actually embarrassed to admit buying.  I have no clue what possessed me to purchase this one but in my defense, it must have been one damn good infomercial.  This was an actual machine that would "easily fold up to store under your bed..."  More like, folded up and shoved in the corner to collect dust.  I used this maybe two or three times and I remember the gal in the video was awful and probably one of the most un-motivating trainers I've ever seen.  For months, Julian would badger me about getting rid of it.  It finally went to Goodwill heaven the last time I moved.

Kettleworx - I didn't purchase this one myself but borrowed it from a friend.  The host is this good-looking Canadian who, hmmm, how should I put this.... wore shorts that were perhaps too fitted, enough to distract you from keeping count of your reps.  But it's a full-body workout and actually pretty decent.

(This is the first time I've written out all my purchases and I'm quite embarrassed with myself.)  But like I said, my infomercial obsession expands beyond the workout genre.

I have also given in to:

Cindy Crawford's Meaningful Beauty - Come on...who doesn't want to look like Cindy Crawford? I've been using this for several years and have been pretty satisfied with it and it's great because the product automatically shows up at my door every six months.  What's funny is that I still watch the infomercial every now and then when it is televised on early Saturday mornings.  

Turbo Cooker - This was purchased shortly after I moved in with Darin and it was going to help me "want" to cook more often... well, at least the motivation was there.  I can't recall the science behind this thing but I do remember you could put a frozen chicken breast in there and it would cook within 20 minutes.  And it came with a cool tray that you could cook other things in it simultaneously.  I remember cooking everything from pasta, chicken, veggies to even a cheesecake in this thing!  It was pretty amazing!  Looking back, the pan itself probably released so many harmful toxins during use, I'm sure it activated some cancerous cells in my body.  This too took a trip to Goodwill.

Moreover, my obsession isn't limited to the 30-minute fancy infomercial (by the way, I always get suckered into the "if you call in the next 12 minutes...") as I also love anything you typically can't buy in stores.  My favorites right now are the NeatDesk and the stuff you can use to clean the grime off your car headlights.

Needless to say, I have a problem.  Luckily, I haven't purchased anything in the last year or so but I'm sure one early morning, I'll see the latest craze and will get suckered into it sooner or later!

Arianna Huffington article

I'm cheating today and using someone else's writing... but this a great article, I had to share.

http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20130503130619-143695135-america-s-real-deficit-crisis?trk=eml-mktg-condig-0108-p1

Just Shut Up and Follow Me

Everything happens for a reason.

At the end of last year, I had to undergo surgery on my right shoulder for a torn rotator cuff.  The recovery has not only been painful but also slow and frustrating.  Since Dec. 26, 2012, I have been spending close to two hours in physical therapy, three times per week.  Not exactly how I'd like to be spending my time.

At the advice of my sister-in-law, I began therapy in February with an acupuncturist from whom she received successful treatment for a similar injury; at this point, I was going to try anything to get my shoulder moving again. I began driving all the way up to Redondo Beach to the Re Nu Mi Wellness Center for treatment every Saturday morning for the next two months.  Dr. Kim was no ordinary doctor and I was intrigued with his practice, his teachings and words of wisdom he imparted each session.  

After a few visits, Dr. Kim mentioned this retreat he had been hosting for many years and invited me to join this year's group.  For weeks, he would suggest that I go but I was a bit hesitant; I really wanted to but it was more of a financial issue for me.  But I followed my gut to attend and decided that it would be well worth it.

I'm so grateful my gut is wiser than my head.

It's been several days since returning from this weekend retreat in Sedona, AZ and I'm still finding it painstakingly difficult to find the words that can truly capture this powerful experience.  I've already written and re-written this entry many times over but still unable to clearly articulate my heartfelt feelings.  I thought writing would be cathartic and help me get my head around what I've been feeling but even so, I still can't find the "right" words to fully illustrate the magnitude and intensity of this experience.

And this retreat could not have come at a better time - as you may have read from a previous post, I have been feeling very lost and looking for something unknown.  So going into this weekend, I was hoping to perhaps find some clarity or some sort of direction, some kind of sign that would help me find my Life GPS.

I also wanted to approach the weekend with an open mind and an open heart; I had no expectations nor could I since, quite frankly, Dr. Kim doesn't give you much information other than a one-page itinerary that only includes where we would be staying and locations we'd be visiting in Sedona.  So off I went without any predisposed notion of what I was about to encounter. 

Including Dr. Kim, there were a total of 12 participants for our adventure.  We all lived in Southern California but all from different backgrounds.  Aside from the fact that we were all patients of his, there was this mysterious thread that uniquely tied us all together and it made me think that Dr. Kim specifically hand-picked each of us to meet and undergo this experience together.

The only thing that was asked of us was to bring a few personal intentions, prayers of sort.  Something that we wanted to work on or pray about, something that was perhaps troubling us in our lives at the moment, be it physical, emotional or whatever challenges we might be battling.  

On the first evening together, we took a night hike out to the Airport Vortex, laid out some blankets and stared up at the evening sky, littered with stars - living in a metropolitan area of Southern California, it's been a while since I've been able to see so many stars so this was a much welcome treat.  But as we laid there, we shared our intentions and prayers of what we were hoping to work on this weekend.  I shared my feelings of disorientation with my search for "something outside myself" and the discontentment with my inability to trust my own decisions. 

The rest of our weekend consisted of hikes out to several vortex locations for which Sedona is known, meditation and a sweat lodge purification ceremony.  I was not familiar with a sweat lodge until someone told me about a unique case (completely unrelated to Dr. Kim's retreats) where some people had died - by the way, not a good story to tell your mother before you leave on a weekend retreat out of town.  I was actually really intrigued about this ritual but more worried about my own physical state; I have passed out on two other occasions due to extreme heat and dehydration so I was rightfully anxious about sitting in a small hut that could top over 100 degrees inside.  

I won't go into too much of the actual ceremony itself as there is too much symbolism and ceremonious detail to really explain here.  But this I can share as it related to my experience:

One, it was super hot.  I kept trying to calm my nerves prior to going in by saying "I'm just going to hot yoga" but that did not come close to prepare me for as hot as it was there.  Two, it's pitch dark inside other than the temporary light from the fire-heated stones that are placed in the pit in the middle.  Moreover, I tend to be claustrophobic and this tented, low-ceiling area was smaller than my bedroom; and then cram 13 people inside with no room to stand up.  And on top of all that, I often suffer from vertigo if I'm unable to focus my eyes on something.  So between the passing out, claustrophobia and vertigo, I had to overcome my physical and mental feats pretty quickly.

About 20 minutes into it, I leaned over to Dr. Kim and bluntly said, "I don't feel well" as I was clearly about to freak out.  There were several moments when I wanted to crawl out of there as fast as possible as my body and mind succumbed to fear.  But I endured for the 2.5 hour ceremony but not without a little help from Dr. Kim who reminded me to breathe and always return to the center of my self.

Simple instructions can have a prodigious effect.

The next morning, our group met to recap our previous night's experience.  It was amazing to hear everyone's unique perspective, what they physically saw or felt and experienced. What I found curious was that several people in the group had this ah-ha moment; something spoke to them or they experienced something during the ceremony that seemed totally foreign to me.  I was almost, I hate to admit, jealous that they had a completely different experience than my own.  I was too concerned with getting through the ceremony physically, that I perhaps missed out on something; and as a result, I felt I had failed in some way.

And then it hit me.  I realized what its purpose was for me.  I remembered how each time when I wanted to focus on the others and their intentions and prayers, I had to keep coming back to myself, I had to return to my own well-being first. As much as I wanted to be there for my new friends and support them in whatever prayers they had to offer, I had to be strong for myself first.  

For years, I've always either been codependent on someone or looked to others for reassurance and approval; I've battled with major insecurities and self-doubt, I've second-guessed decisions or outright avoided making choices on my own altogether.  I always looked outside of myself, someone else to blame or depend on, yet it never dawned on me to look internally first.  I got through this ceremony because I focused on me; and now, and only now, can I see that I do possess my own inner strength on which I can depend instead.  And even more so, I can actually trust my gut and the decisions that I make (my gut knew to come on this retreat and it didn't stray me wrong there!).

Like the saying goes, you can't love someone else unless you love yourself first. In this case, I realized that I had to find strength in myself before I could give strength to others around me.  

I learned that I no longer have to look to others to build me up because I have the fortitude to stand on my own.  I learned that I can trust and have faith in myself first and foremost. I learned that I can be strong.  All I have to do is start with ME.  

I returned home feeling refreshed and spiritually revitalized.  The next day, I stayed home from work knowing that it may be challenging to re-enter my typical "real life" routine after being away for such an emotionally charging experience.  I took this day to really reflect on everything and really drink it all in.

However, the next day was a much different story.  We were told by one of the retreat moderators to not be surprised if we had feelings of depression or just out of sorts upon return to our normal lives.  Well for me, that was an understatement.  I returned to work and within seconds of sitting down at my desk, the two computer monitors on, voice mail light blinking at me, emails coming in - I was completely overstimulated to the point of suffocation.  I was overwhelmed with the effect everything was having on me and had to take a second to breathe and really reconfigure my mind.  I found myself having to stop every so often to just focus on my breath and be mindful of what I was doing.

Later that morning, I was casually telling some coworkers about the weekend and I was at a loss for words - something NOT common for me.  And then out of no where, I could feel an impeding moment of destitution; tears welled up in my eyes because not only was I struggling to find my words to explain what I was feeling but almost paralyzed by indescribable emotion.  Needless to say, I only lasted about three hours in the office and this extroverted recluse was much more calm in the solitude of my house, phone /tv off.

Today was a little easier although I did stay away from the office and chose to work from home.  I went for a walk and meditated for about 20 minutes which definitely helped soothe my mind and body.  I did have to go into physical therapy this afternoon but all the people and movement and just the realization that I was back home, having to deal with my everyday "stuff" including the continued rehabilitation of my shoulder, almost brought me to tears again.

I find it amusing when people say to me "oh, glad to hear it was a good weekend!" and I smirk and think, good?  Enlightening, interesting, complex, yes, but 'good' simply fails as a descriptor for this weekend.

It was comforting to hear that some of the other members of our group were in some way experiencing a similar aftermath and I can only hope tomorrow will be easier yet.  It's bewildering to see how three days away, in such a peaceful and serene yet energizing place like Sedona can really do a number on one's psyche.  I'm still trying to understand and appreciate all that I'm going through, but again... everything happens for a reason.  

These three days not only challenged us physically and mentally, but forced us to open our minds and our souls.  As I re-read this post over and over, it still doesn't really explain what happened to me this weekend.  But there's a reason I injured my shoulder; there's a reason my sister-in-law recommended Dr. Kim and why I waited several months to start seeing him; there's a reason I listened to my gut to attend the retreat; there's a reason I met these 11 amazing individuals whom I am so gracious and grateful to have met and shared this experience with.....

If you were to ask As Dr. Kim what the retreat was about, he would say, "oh just shut up and follow me."  And that pretty much explains it.  You just have have faith and follow him (who by the way, is like a billygoat climbing up heavy terrain mountainsides!) and approach it with an open mind.  And that's all I can say about it.

Please message me if you're interested in attending the next retreat in October - I highly recommend it to anyone and hope to be attending it again as well!

Interesting Observation

I was talking with some friends tonight about this blog and more specifically, the post about why I don't want kids, and I realized something very curious...they say the things you dislike in others are typically the same things that you don't like in yourself.  I think this same principle applies to my disdain towards having children:

1) they/ I talk too much and don't shut up
2) they're/ I'm always whining about something
3) they / I eat too much
4) they / I have way too many clothes/ stuff
5) they /I often scream for no reason

So there you have it... totally makes sense now.  :)

My Dating Life is a Seinfeld Episode

Between the years 1995 and 2011, I went on three first dates.   This is my story.

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A few months after graduating from university, I was out for a nice dinner with some family friends in West LA when I met Dennis.  He had a drink sent to me, an act which I thought was very 'adult'; up to this point of my guileless life, the "best" way to meet a guy was to see who was left at the 9-0 at the end of the night.  Here I was, barely 22 years old and my expectations were low, so this was a nice surprise.  Anyhow, my friends encouraged me to go thank him for the drink.  The next night, Dennis and I went out for sushi then began dating for the next two years. It was a tumultuous relationship that lasted about a year and a half too long.  

During those last few months of going back and forth with Dennis, I met Darin; I was at Sharkeez in Newport Beach celebrating cinco de mayo with friends.  We chatted, had a few laughs, and towards the end of the night, I drove his drunk ass to Huntington Beach because he lost his friends (all very foreshadowing of our relationship unfortunately).  He called the next day and we ended up dating for the next five years, were married for the following three years, and then I spent the last year trying to find him in order to serve him divorce papers.  

Shortly after the divorce was final, I was staged to have my Golden Birthday (31 on the 31st) and boy, was I going to celebrate - I still refer to that time in my life as the Year of Debauchery (my mom may be reading this so I need to keep this PG-rated).  I was travelling out of town every other weekend, spending a lot of time with my single (and other newly divorced) friends in Newport again, had a cute, younger boy toy in Las Vegas... a relationship was the last thing on my mind.

Then I met Julian; we worked in the same office, although not for the same employer.  Being that we were each coming out of serious relationships at the time (mine just happened to be with myself and I wasn't about ready to give up my independence), there was much trepidation from both of us going into it but we ended up dating for the next 5-1/2 years.  I thought, thankfully, I had gone on my last first date.

But here I am.  

I preface with all this relationship history because I basically haven't been single since 1995 - a time way before online dating, texting, sexting, and social media.  It's a different dating world out there... and I have NO clue what I'm doing.  When I was dating Julian, my best friend would call me with "dating issues" and I would offer my (although, albeit naive) advice and she'd arguably say "you have NO idea what it's like out there!  You've been in a relationship for years and have no clue what you're talking about!"

Well, she was right then and her assessment still applies today.

Not only is dating in general different, I'm in such a different place now, too.  One, I can't even claim the title, Single; I have to check off a different box: Divorced.  Two, I'm not 22 years old anymore - I can't go out to a bar with my flirty little outfit, have a few drinks and let bad judgement take over.  That obviously didn't work out for me back then, it isn't going to work now.  And moreover, I have no desire to go out to bars and clubs anymore because a) it's too loud in there b) I can't go out with a flirty little outfit without being mistaken for a desperate cougar c) I'd rather stay home and stare at the wall.

So where does that leave me? Bring on the 15 cats, I say!

But after I moved out from Julian's house post breakup, I moved in with a great girlfriend who graciously welcomed my beat-up, heartbroken, sack of bones, pathetic soul into her home.  I was in such a downtrodden place but she always knew how to cheer me up.  And one forsaken (vodka-induced, I'm sure) evening, she encouraged me to create a profile for a well-known, free online dating site.  Since I was in no emotional state to be dating, it was purely for entertainment value to pass the time... well, like most things that are free, that's pretty much all I got from it.

Once I was more comfortable with the idea of dating again, I did try to be more optimistic about the whole online thing.  And besides, who was I kidding, it was the only place I could 'hope' to meet new people.  But after only several weeks, I don't know how many times I had to go back to edit my profile to include phrases like "please don't give me any pet names when emailing me" and "I won't respond to your emails if your profile only includes self-portraits in the bathroom or your car"* and my favorite, "if you'd like to start a conversation, please send me more than 'your cute' and expect a response with proper grammar."  Each time I logged into my account, I would try to be open-minded about what may be waiting for me... DELETE, DELETE, DELETE is what I usually found myself doing with most of the guys who messaged me.

(* WHY do people post pictures of themselves in their car?!)

I don't know if my standards are too high or the immediate population is completely un-dateable?  I do admit that I do have pretty high standards though - Julian definitely set a pretty high bar and left some hard shoes to fill. And I am trying to be open-minded.  So, someone recently asked me what my "specs" where; I have (2) lists:

The short list:

Age 35-44

Height 5'10" - 6'3"

Bachelor's degree

no kids

(That's not a lot to ask for right?)

The expanded list:

Age 37-42

Height: 6'2"+

Bachelor's degree

no kids nor wants them

ethnic mix of Latino and Caucasian (or European.  Or Canadian.), grew up in the Midwest, has been travelling the world for the last year and wants to settle down now

......and I wonder why my dating pool is about as deep as a puddle.

My mother keeps reminding me that the older I get, the less likely it will be to find someone who hasn't been married nor has kids.  I'd actually prefer someone who is divorced; it shows he can commit but also has experienced going through the turmoil of a divorce.  But the kid thing is definitely a deal breaker (see my Childless Existence post) and I figure, I'm 39 without children, there ARE others out there like me, right?   Right?

I have a good male friend of mine who LOVES dating.  He'll book 4-5 different dates per week if possible.  He just loves going out and meeting new people.  He is not a gigolo by any means but simply loves dating.  The thought of that sounds completely exhausting and I can barely find enough energy for a 15 minute introductory phone call, much less an obligatory Starbuck's date which better be within a 5 mile radius of my home or office.  Grandma here doesn't like to drive far.

Sadly, I've been on more first dates in the last year and a half than I have my entire life.  I now also have random names in my phone like ChrisPOF or RobertOKC and CraigMatch because most of the time, that's the only way I can differentiate or remember them.  I just listened to a message from someone named Steve... I have NO clue who he is nor what is story is.

Like many of my forlorn female counterparts, I've already had my share of amusing dating antics (I will have a separate post for dating stories) that always fare well at dinner parties with married couples or when commiserating with said single gal pals.  Since when did dating become so difficult?  Since when do guys think it's appropriate to text you "hey, send me a picture of your ass?" BEFORE they've even met me?  I'm no prude but I do have some self-respect.  Apparently, it's much easier for people to hide behind texts and emails, as there's no commitment or emotional liability, I guess. I've been appalled, offended, embarrassed and slightly confused with guys' comments, pictures and outright audaciousness.  I often say to myself, "no wonder these guys are single!"  then remember that I'm right there with them.  <...sigh...>

<sidebar>

Ok this is really funny because as I'm writing this entry, a message from one of my sites just came in so I HAD to include it here.  My online profile makes it pretty clear that I'm a huge USC fan as I mention it a few times.  But tonight's IDIOT has the nerve to message me and tell me that my football coach (Kiffin) sucks and that basically USC is not worth following.  HELLO?  Way to get on my good side, you futard?!  And then he goes on and on about why he's this great catch.  Buddy, note to self, don't insult someone before you've met them and oh, humbleness can be attractive.  DELETE and BLOCK.

There is a great scene from the show Seinfeld where Jerry is surprised that Elaine is going on a blind date.  One of the best dialogues:

JERRY: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?
ELAINE: Twenty-five percent.

JERRY: Twenty-five percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty to one shot.

ELAINE: You're way off.

JERRY: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.

ELAINE: So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?

JERRY: UNDATEABLE!

ELAINE: Then how are all these people getting together?

JERRY: Alcohol.

Sometimes I feel like my dating life is like a Seinfeld episode.  All about nothing but  always very funny.

By the way, a 72 year OLD man messaged me last night.  SEVENTY-TWO.  I'm guessing gramps' glasses were foggy when he read my 43 year age max. I wanted to respond with "how healthy are you and I'll need to see a copy of your most recent bank statement."  On second thought, maybe I should send him my mom's number?

(last minute addition:  I did reply to that futard who emailed me tonight.  I graciously said "Way to insult my school then go on to tell me more about your ego.  Good luck to you."

My Childless Existence...

Much to my mother's dismay, I have repeatedly said that I don't plan on having children and many of you know that I have an ongoing list of reasons why I don't want them.  Don't get me wrong, I love children - more specifically my two adorable nephews - but let's just say I also refer to them as Birth Control #1 and Birth Control #2.  Hours after BC1 was born 8 years ago, I walked out of the hospital, called my mom and said, "Yup.  Never going to happen."

Last weekend, I felt incredibly horrible when BC1 overheard me say that I didn't want to go on holiday with the K-I-D-S.  Well, I should have known better that his 2nd grade spelling skills were much more advanced than expected and he said "Auntie! I know what you said! You said you don't want to go with me and BC2!  But it's ok... I understand.  It's because I'm annoying!"

Of course I'm horrified and go over and give him a huge hug, tell him that I love him and say "You're not annoying!  Don't ever say that - don't ever tell yourself that! It's just that Auntie likes quiet.  You're not always quiet.  In fact, you're actually very loud.  It's why Auntie goes home at the end of the day to sit and stare in silence.  But I love you just the same."

But like I said, I love my nephews but they also make me realize that motherhood is simply not for me.  And here are a few reasons..... (this will be an ongoing list that I'll continuously add to on occasion)

**Please note this post is not meant to offend anyone - it is all meant in jest and I'm simply poking fun at parenthood. I applaud all the parents out there and look to you in amazement and curiously wonder how you do it.  I know children are a blessing and they make it all worth the while.  blah blah blah, I get it, but my preference is to not have them.  If you can't handle it.. well suck it.. write your own blog.**

1.  Diapers - clean, they take up space and they're expensive.  Dirty, well, they're dirty. I don't do dirty diapers.  39 years old, happily have not changed ONE diaper. Ever.

2.  Toys - they're everywhere and will take up space where I can store shoes.

3.  Clothes - they wear them for a day then outgrow them and like toys, take up too much available shoe real estate

4.  Feedings - I hear these things need to be fed every so often as babies.  I can barely feed myself every few hours.

5.  Crying - the noise factor alone makes this a Top 5 reason.  And unfortunately, you can't give kids a a glass of wine like I give myself whenever I cry.  

6.  Expense - this is an ongoing, lifelong thing.  I'm 39yrs old and if mom's wallet is open, I'll ask for a few bucks.  They will always mooch off you as much as possible.

7.  Napping - this is more related to MY napping. I like to nap.  I don't need kids interrupting my own.

8.  Other kids - sooner or later, your own kids will have to make friends.  That means even MORE small people making noise and messing up your house.

9.  Children's birthday parties - Enough said.

10.  Baseball games.

11.  Football games.

12.  Soccer games.

13.  Basketball games.

14.  Dance recitals.

15.  Music recitals.

16.  Other parents.

17.  It takes 45 minutes to pack the car to go to the beach.  This is not including the hour it took to get them dressed and in the car and then another hour to unload the car and transport the stuff TO the beach.  "Yeah, we left at 8am but didn't get to the beach until about noon..."

18.  Christmas and Easter photos - really?  Sure they're cute (IF they're not crying) but why torment your child into sitting with a complete stranger, one who is some creepy old man and the other who looks like they're going to eat you.

19.  Endless doctor's appointments

20.  Babies R Us - have you been in this place??  First baby shower I ever went to, I had to venture in and vowed never to return.  That place is scary.

21.  Disneyland - NOT the Happiest Place on Earth when you're pushing around a stroller with 5000 others pushing their strollers. Why is this fun for parents?  

22.  Interrupts my sitting & staring time.

23.  Barf, puke, any form of projectile nonsense coming from their mouth.  

24.  I don't want to be 60 by the time I have my house back to myself.  And some, I hear, move back in with you!

25.  Education - I don't know how my parents afforded to put me through school but I would have had to start saving when I was 7 in order to pay for my kids' tuition now.

26.  Children's TV programs - I often hear my parent friends singing random kid's show theme songs.  Yeah, that's annoying.

27.  (should have been higher up on the list) Stretch marks - yes, I am that vain.

28.  Saturday mornings - this is the coveted day that I sleep in.  I hear that disappears once you have kids.

29.  Adult conversations become ALL about the kids.

30.  Children scream.  Sometimes for no reason.  

31.  Legos.  Have you ever stepped on one with bare feet?

32.  Alcohol - you can't really drink much when you're watching a kid.  

33.  Travelling.
  a) I don't need you giving me dirty looks when my kid is screaming next to you on the plane
  b) packing for more than just me will require too many bags
  c) the kid isn't going to remember wherever the hell you went anyhow

34. Morals - I have none of my own to teach a small person.

....more to come!


    

Moment for a Random Thought

These are the things that circle my mind sometimes...this is tonight's quandary:

I checked out a new restaurant tonight (Arc) which I highly recommend by the way, where they only serve three types of meat; their menu reads "Duck, Pig, Steak."  Yes, it's unusual that they called the pork dish, "pig" but more importantly, it got me thinking... on a menu, a dish will be listed by the type of animal, for example, chicken, fish or duck.  How come beef is not called what it is?  Cow.  Why does the cow get such special recognition for its meat?  When we ordered our steak tonight, we didn't say, "We'll have the cow"?  And shouldn't this restaurateur keep it's menu consistent and have it read "Duck, Pig, Cow" instead?

(all this is reminding me that I'm eating animals.  blagh.)

That is all for tonight.

Expert Chef Assembler - Salmon Salad recipe

Cooking for one is always challenging - and I'm not a huge fan of leftovers the entire week so it's often hard to come up with single-serving ideas week in and week out.  Also, I'm not the greatest chef in the kitchen and let's be honest, at the end of the day, I'm just too lazy to stand in the kitchen and cereal for dinner gets pretty boring after the 4th night.

But I love Trader Joe's - they have many fresh entrees that usually have 2-3 servings per package and it's usually just a few minutes in the microwave to "cook."  The downside is that I hate all the plastic and waste that it creates (that's for another post).

The other option is what I call assembling and thanks to Trader Joe's, I have become a Certified Master Assembler. They have great options of semi-prepared goods and I've come up with some great, quick ideas that usually don't take too long to prep.  Also, mom did buy me one of their cookbooks that always comes in handy, too!  I've found some great assembling ideas in here!  I'll be posting some of my favorites here on my blog on occasion.  

I find myself eating a lot of salads for lunch but it doesn't always have to be the same boring thing - always comes down to how creative you can be with the ingredients.  This was my lunch today and I LOVED it:

~Salmon Salad~

Ingredients: (everything was from TJ's)

Salmon

organic baby spinach

beets (already cooked, cleaned and ready to go)

marinated mushrooms

crumbled feta cheese

Persian cucumbers
Sesame Soy Ginger Vinaigrette

The night before, I poached two salmon fillets in my handy rice cooker/steamer so I used half of one for the salad - this is one of my favorite new kitchen appliances by the way.  You can cook your rice and it comes with a little tray that you can steam fish, veggies, tofu on top so everything is ready at the same time - genius!  Unfortunately, once I cooked the salmon and the rice... my apartment smelled like a true Asian household... I'm still airing it out today! :/

Technology Tourettes

I was first exposed to a computer in the 5th grade.  We were taught how to write in BASIC - the screen was black, the only font was green and it was horrible on the eyes.   We saved our programs on a cassette tape, exactly like the one you used to record music off the radio.  And you'd have to watch the counter to rewind or fast-forward to the point wherever your program started.  At the time, I thought that was THE coolest thing and I thought I was the smartest person ever because I could write a computer program!

These days, I can barely check my email because my password needs to be a combination of alpha-numeric, Aramaic, half CAPS, and contain two types of animals, Chinese characters and the words to an ABBA song.

I've always said that technology can make us become our own worst enemy.  I asked someone the other day "Do you have any fun plans on going somewhere this weekend to stare at your phone?" Yes, I'm that person who gets annoyed when your phone is on the table at lunch or that you need to check it incessantly every five minutes.  What happened to social interaction, and I mean actual voice to voice, eye to eye interaction and not communicating through Likes, Comments, @symbols and hash-tags?

Technology is supposed to make our lives easier, but I often find that it complicates my own, and it has left me craving the simpler days.  There was something comforting in coming home to check for voice messages on the machine, or figuring out the VCR timer or laying on the floor while talking on the phone because the cord was too short to reach your bed.  So I don't know if it's just an age thing and I'm old-school or that I'm simply not technologically savvy enough to understand any of it.

But as much as I've tried to resist change, I have given in to some of the following but not without a fight.  And no joke, some of these things I've only started using in the last year or so and in most cases, was forced into by default.

Smart phone:  I have a Samsung something-something.  I don't even know what it is.  I didn't even have one until my old flip-phone broke last summer, so I walked into the Sprint store and all I said was "I need a new phone, preferably an Android."  Keep in mind, I have NO clue what the different platforms are or mean but I know my IT guys at work used Android and I'm not hipster enough to use an iPhone.  So he asks me, "what do you use it for?"  I said, "to text, check my email when I should be working and to call my mom."  He leads me to the Android phones, I pick up the cutest one, pretend like I know what I'm doing and say, "sure, wrap it up" and the guy says, "Don't you want to check it out more, play around with it?" To which I say, "Can it text, check my email, call my mom? Yes?  Wrap it up."  The next day, several guys at work see it on my desk and are like "Whoa, cool! Is that the new Samsung X5000-R2D2 (yes, that' a made up model because no, I still don't know what it is)" and I say, "I have no clue, it's a phone!"  Little did I realize that I had a top of the line phone that has 100s of great functions and features.  I use it to text, check email and call my mom.

Home Computer: I didn't have a home laptop until a year after I started working at my current job (2007).  I didn't have home internet access until then either but hooked up service only because I now had the computer.     

DVR: My cable bill went up last summer and I called Time Warner to check out alternative options.  They had a special that would reduce my monthly charge if I added the DVR function.  I already watch enough bad television, I did not need a reason to record MORE bad television.


Apple Products:  My first iPod was a Shuffle; it looked like a memory stick and I won it in a contest at work.  At that time, I had neither an iTunes account much less internet access at home, so I sat & watched my friend for 8 hours uploading music on to it from her computer.  I used that Shuffle for 3 or 4 years until I got mom to buy me a cute pink Nano for my birthday last year. And then most recently, my boss was very gracious to gift everyone in the company with individual AppleTV units.  I finally had to give in and create an iTunes account.  Great, another place to shop (but I have yet to purchase an Apple product on my own).

Car GPS:  Actually I don't even have this in my car; instead, I have a stack of handwritten directions on post-its and scraps of paper that I keep in the middle console in my car.  So this one I have succeeded in avoiding so far (and no, I don't know how to use the GPS function on my phone - see Smart phone entry above).

Social Media: I created my Facebook account maybe in 2008. My friend who introduced it to me was much younger, and I was fascinated with her 2000 connections.  I didn't quite understand it yet but reluctantly signed up and hoped for even 10 friends!  As for Twitter and Instagram, I'm still trying to figure those out <report back later>

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There are days when I come home, the TV is off, phone ringer muted, computer shut down so I can sit and stare.  Some of my friends get annoyed that I'm not attached to my phone and respond to texts in a less than timely manner but sometimes I need an escape from it all.  And there are days when I have total technology Tourettes; I'm watching a DVRd show (I can't watch normal TV anymore!), laptop on, IMing through GoogleTalk, responding to Hotmail emails, stalking my 316 friends on Facebook (most of whom I haven't seen nor spoken more than 5 words to in the last 20 years), perusing ModCloth, writing on Blogger.com, iTunes library playing in the background, participating in no less than 4 text chats, and checking my work email from my phone.  So needless to say, I have given in to the arms of technology but have yet to determine whether it has improved or degraded my life. I may be an old dog when it comes to adapting to new technology, but who am I kidding... I can't live without it because the recluse that I am, can sit here and not have to interact with any of you!