Conversations with God

I started this post weeks ago but have re-written, deleted and edited it several times.  Like a few of my earlier posts, I can't seem to clearly illiterate what's been going on in my head.  So here I find myself again, hoping that writing will help me delineate this stirring anxiety.

A lot has been going on in my life recently; events that have left me disappointed, unsettled, confused but at the same time, very excited.  I'm treading through murky waters in my head, able to breathe, but feeling hopeless in seeing the big picture.

In any case, these assortment of feelings is what prompted this post.

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I was raised Catholic, attended private Catholic school for 13 years, and went to  was forced to go to church every Sunday.  But I think the last time I went to mass was for a wedding whose bride and groom thought it would be fun to have their guests gruelingly sit through an hour and an half ceremony.  My own mother almost had a heart attack when I told her I wasn't going to get married in a church. "It's one of the seven sacraments!" she argued... eh, I've already done four of them and I'll catch the last one on my way out (Anointing of the Sick).  God should be happy with my over 50% completion rate.

Today, if asked with what religion I associate myself, I would still say Catholic but don't necessarily believe in the institution of organized religion (much less agree with the church's strict doctrines or its blindness to priest impropriety).  I definitely believe in a God but do not identify with the term agnostic.  I don't judge anyone for whatever god, Buddha, Allah or which bible, Tanakh, or Quran one follows.  Whatever gives you faith, hope and morals, I don't judge anyone for their religious beliefs as long as it does not inflict harm or endanger others.  However, I'm skeptical of atheists... again, I don't judge, just skeptical.

Every morning, the first thing that pops in my head is "thank you for letting me wake up" as I am grateful that God has given me another day.  I also spend a few minutes to thank him for all my blessings and ask for continued strength and guidance.  This may make me sound very religious, but I would consider myself more spiritual.  I truly believe in this higher power, someone who has a predestined path in store for me.

I believe that God does have a plan for me however, I also believe he gives us free will which allows us to do whatever we want and make whatever decisions along the way, but it will all eventually lead us to the same destination - how fast we get there and what choices we make along the way is ultimately up to us.

These last few weeks I feel as though I've been walking around in a fog, half asleep to the world around me.  I've been unable to think clearly and am struggling with day to day routine tasks.  I'm grappling with life-changing decisions and being pulled in so many  directions which has left me emotionally distressed.  Each day, I ask God to help me find some clarity in this madness and help me be at peace with whatever lesson or path he has me headed down.  And yet, I pray for patience as I feel my own has definitely been pushed beyond its limits.

Over the last 10+ years, I've sat through endless hours of therapy and read numerous self-help books. I've tried to find direction in anything from horoscopes, inspirational quotes and even met with a psychic last year (that's a GOOD story in itself - I'll save that for another post!) And I'm sure my Facebook friends are annoyed with the endless emo quotes and pictures that I share on my wall but I love these simple reminders to keep me inspired.  But I've always found that returning to God is what keeps me going; it will always be the center from where my faith resides.

But lately... I've become a bit frustrated, dubious and I guess, disheartened with the Big Guy upstairs.  As the saying goes, "God won't give you more than what you can handle".... well, these days, I've been questioning his own faith in me.  How strong does he think I really am?  And why does he need to continually test my strength by throwing me these life curve balls?  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"; well at this point, I should be able to lift a large Cadillac.  

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I know that everything that has happened has happened for a reason and everything - the ups and downs, the headache and heartache, the joys and the tears - have occurred to help me prepare for whatever else is next.  But I've become disoriented with whatever test He's giving me right now but to the point of frustration and almost annoyance.  I find myself having these unusual conversations with God, often to a point of tears, where I don't even know what to pray for anymore.  I know he has this master plan in mind for me but sometimes I hear inside my head scream, "Give me a break! I just need a little break from all this!"

I feel as though my prayers are going unheard - even typing that statement , I know it's not true. But I'm exhausted.  I'm tired of these tests.  I'm tired of acting strong.  I'm tired of convincing myself that it's all part of the plan.  I'm just tired.