My Dating Life is a Seinfeld Episode

Between the years 1995 and 2011, I went on three first dates.   This is my story.

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A few months after graduating from university, I was out for a nice dinner with some family friends in West LA when I met Dennis.  He had a drink sent to me, an act which I thought was very 'adult'; up to this point of my guileless life, the "best" way to meet a guy was to see who was left at the 9-0 at the end of the night.  Here I was, barely 22 years old and my expectations were low, so this was a nice surprise.  Anyhow, my friends encouraged me to go thank him for the drink.  The next night, Dennis and I went out for sushi then began dating for the next two years. It was a tumultuous relationship that lasted about a year and a half too long.  

During those last few months of going back and forth with Dennis, I met Darin; I was at Sharkeez in Newport Beach celebrating cinco de mayo with friends.  We chatted, had a few laughs, and towards the end of the night, I drove his drunk ass to Huntington Beach because he lost his friends (all very foreshadowing of our relationship unfortunately).  He called the next day and we ended up dating for the next five years, were married for the following three years, and then I spent the last year trying to find him in order to serve him divorce papers.  

Shortly after the divorce was final, I was staged to have my Golden Birthday (31 on the 31st) and boy, was I going to celebrate - I still refer to that time in my life as the Year of Debauchery (my mom may be reading this so I need to keep this PG-rated).  I was travelling out of town every other weekend, spending a lot of time with my single (and other newly divorced) friends in Newport again, had a cute, younger boy toy in Las Vegas... a relationship was the last thing on my mind.

Then I met Julian; we worked in the same office, although not for the same employer.  Being that we were each coming out of serious relationships at the time (mine just happened to be with myself and I wasn't about ready to give up my independence), there was much trepidation from both of us going into it but we ended up dating for the next 5-1/2 years.  I thought, thankfully, I had gone on my last first date.

But here I am.  

I preface with all this relationship history because I basically haven't been single since 1995 - a time way before online dating, texting, sexting, and social media.  It's a different dating world out there... and I have NO clue what I'm doing.  When I was dating Julian, my best friend would call me with "dating issues" and I would offer my (although, albeit naive) advice and she'd arguably say "you have NO idea what it's like out there!  You've been in a relationship for years and have no clue what you're talking about!"

Well, she was right then and her assessment still applies today.

Not only is dating in general different, I'm in such a different place now, too.  One, I can't even claim the title, Single; I have to check off a different box: Divorced.  Two, I'm not 22 years old anymore - I can't go out to a bar with my flirty little outfit, have a few drinks and let bad judgement take over.  That obviously didn't work out for me back then, it isn't going to work now.  And moreover, I have no desire to go out to bars and clubs anymore because a) it's too loud in there b) I can't go out with a flirty little outfit without being mistaken for a desperate cougar c) I'd rather stay home and stare at the wall.

So where does that leave me? Bring on the 15 cats, I say!

But after I moved out from Julian's house post breakup, I moved in with a great girlfriend who graciously welcomed my beat-up, heartbroken, sack of bones, pathetic soul into her home.  I was in such a downtrodden place but she always knew how to cheer me up.  And one forsaken (vodka-induced, I'm sure) evening, she encouraged me to create a profile for a well-known, free online dating site.  Since I was in no emotional state to be dating, it was purely for entertainment value to pass the time... well, like most things that are free, that's pretty much all I got from it.

Once I was more comfortable with the idea of dating again, I did try to be more optimistic about the whole online thing.  And besides, who was I kidding, it was the only place I could 'hope' to meet new people.  But after only several weeks, I don't know how many times I had to go back to edit my profile to include phrases like "please don't give me any pet names when emailing me" and "I won't respond to your emails if your profile only includes self-portraits in the bathroom or your car"* and my favorite, "if you'd like to start a conversation, please send me more than 'your cute' and expect a response with proper grammar."  Each time I logged into my account, I would try to be open-minded about what may be waiting for me... DELETE, DELETE, DELETE is what I usually found myself doing with most of the guys who messaged me.

(* WHY do people post pictures of themselves in their car?!)

I don't know if my standards are too high or the immediate population is completely un-dateable?  I do admit that I do have pretty high standards though - Julian definitely set a pretty high bar and left some hard shoes to fill. And I am trying to be open-minded.  So, someone recently asked me what my "specs" where; I have (2) lists:

The short list:

Age 35-44

Height 5'10" - 6'3"

Bachelor's degree

no kids

(That's not a lot to ask for right?)

The expanded list:

Age 37-42

Height: 6'2"+

Bachelor's degree

no kids nor wants them

ethnic mix of Latino and Caucasian (or European.  Or Canadian.), grew up in the Midwest, has been travelling the world for the last year and wants to settle down now

......and I wonder why my dating pool is about as deep as a puddle.

My mother keeps reminding me that the older I get, the less likely it will be to find someone who hasn't been married nor has kids.  I'd actually prefer someone who is divorced; it shows he can commit but also has experienced going through the turmoil of a divorce.  But the kid thing is definitely a deal breaker (see my Childless Existence post) and I figure, I'm 39 without children, there ARE others out there like me, right?   Right?

I have a good male friend of mine who LOVES dating.  He'll book 4-5 different dates per week if possible.  He just loves going out and meeting new people.  He is not a gigolo by any means but simply loves dating.  The thought of that sounds completely exhausting and I can barely find enough energy for a 15 minute introductory phone call, much less an obligatory Starbuck's date which better be within a 5 mile radius of my home or office.  Grandma here doesn't like to drive far.

Sadly, I've been on more first dates in the last year and a half than I have my entire life.  I now also have random names in my phone like ChrisPOF or RobertOKC and CraigMatch because most of the time, that's the only way I can differentiate or remember them.  I just listened to a message from someone named Steve... I have NO clue who he is nor what is story is.

Like many of my forlorn female counterparts, I've already had my share of amusing dating antics (I will have a separate post for dating stories) that always fare well at dinner parties with married couples or when commiserating with said single gal pals.  Since when did dating become so difficult?  Since when do guys think it's appropriate to text you "hey, send me a picture of your ass?" BEFORE they've even met me?  I'm no prude but I do have some self-respect.  Apparently, it's much easier for people to hide behind texts and emails, as there's no commitment or emotional liability, I guess. I've been appalled, offended, embarrassed and slightly confused with guys' comments, pictures and outright audaciousness.  I often say to myself, "no wonder these guys are single!"  then remember that I'm right there with them.  <...sigh...>

<sidebar>

Ok this is really funny because as I'm writing this entry, a message from one of my sites just came in so I HAD to include it here.  My online profile makes it pretty clear that I'm a huge USC fan as I mention it a few times.  But tonight's IDIOT has the nerve to message me and tell me that my football coach (Kiffin) sucks and that basically USC is not worth following.  HELLO?  Way to get on my good side, you futard?!  And then he goes on and on about why he's this great catch.  Buddy, note to self, don't insult someone before you've met them and oh, humbleness can be attractive.  DELETE and BLOCK.

There is a great scene from the show Seinfeld where Jerry is surprised that Elaine is going on a blind date.  One of the best dialogues:

JERRY: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?
ELAINE: Twenty-five percent.

JERRY: Twenty-five percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty to one shot.

ELAINE: You're way off.

JERRY: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.

ELAINE: So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?

JERRY: UNDATEABLE!

ELAINE: Then how are all these people getting together?

JERRY: Alcohol.

Sometimes I feel like my dating life is like a Seinfeld episode.  All about nothing but  always very funny.

By the way, a 72 year OLD man messaged me last night.  SEVENTY-TWO.  I'm guessing gramps' glasses were foggy when he read my 43 year age max. I wanted to respond with "how healthy are you and I'll need to see a copy of your most recent bank statement."  On second thought, maybe I should send him my mom's number?

(last minute addition:  I did reply to that futard who emailed me tonight.  I graciously said "Way to insult my school then go on to tell me more about your ego.  Good luck to you."