Much to my mother's dismay, I have repeatedly said that I don't plan on having children and many of you know that I have an ongoing list of reasons why I don't want them. Don't get me wrong, I love children - more specifically my two adorable nephews - but let's just say I also refer to them as Birth Control #1 and Birth Control #2. Hours after BC1 was born 8 years ago, I walked out of the hospital, called my mom and said, "Yup. Never going to happen."
Last weekend, I felt incredibly horrible when BC1 overheard me say that I didn't want to go on holiday with the K-I-D-S. Well, I should have known better that his 2nd grade spelling skills were much more advanced than expected and he said "Auntie! I know what you said! You said you don't want to go with me and BC2! But it's ok... I understand. It's because I'm annoying!"
Of course I'm horrified and go over and give him a huge hug, tell him that I love him and say "You're not annoying! Don't ever say that - don't ever tell yourself that! It's just that Auntie likes quiet. You're not always quiet. In fact, you're actually very loud. It's why Auntie goes home at the end of the day to sit and stare in silence. But I love you just the same."
But like I said, I love my nephews but they also make me realize that motherhood is simply not for me. And here are a few reasons..... (this will be an ongoing list that I'll continuously add to on occasion)
**Please note this post is not meant to offend anyone - it is all meant in jest and I'm simply poking fun at parenthood. I applaud all the parents out there and look to you in amazement and curiously wonder how you do it. I know children are a blessing and they make it all worth the while. blah blah blah, I get it, but my preference is to not have them. If you can't handle it.. well suck it.. write your own blog.**
1. Diapers - clean, they take up space and they're expensive. Dirty, well, they're dirty. I don't do dirty diapers. 39 years old, happily have not changed ONE diaper. Ever.
2. Toys - they're everywhere and will take up space where I can store shoes.
3. Clothes - they wear them for a day then outgrow them and like toys, take up too much available shoe real estate
4. Feedings - I hear these things need to be fed every so often as babies. I can barely feed myself every few hours.
5. Crying - the noise factor alone makes this a Top 5 reason. And unfortunately, you can't give kids a a glass of wine like I give myself whenever I cry.
6. Expense - this is an ongoing, lifelong thing. I'm 39yrs old and if mom's wallet is open, I'll ask for a few bucks. They will always mooch off you as much as possible.
7. Napping - this is more related to MY napping. I like to nap. I don't need kids interrupting my own.
8. Other kids - sooner or later, your own kids will have to make friends. That means even MORE small people making noise and messing up your house.
9. Children's birthday parties - Enough said.
10. Baseball games.
11. Football games.
12. Soccer games.
13. Basketball games.
14. Dance recitals.
15. Music recitals.
16. Other parents.
17. It takes 45 minutes to pack the car to go to the beach. This is not including the hour it took to get them dressed and in the car and then another hour to unload the car and transport the stuff TO the beach. "Yeah, we left at 8am but didn't get to the beach until about noon..."
18. Christmas and Easter photos - really? Sure they're cute (IF they're not crying) but why torment your child into sitting with a complete stranger, one who is some creepy old man and the other who looks like they're going to eat you.
19. Endless doctor's appointments
20. Babies R Us - have you been in this place?? First baby shower I ever went to, I had to venture in and vowed never to return. That place is scary.
21. Disneyland - NOT the Happiest Place on Earth when you're pushing around a stroller with 5000 others pushing their strollers. Why is this fun for parents?
22. Interrupts my sitting & staring time.
23. Barf, puke, any form of projectile nonsense coming from their mouth.
24. I don't want to be 60 by the time I have my house back to myself. And some, I hear, move back in with you!
25. Education - I don't know how my parents afforded to put me through school but I would have had to start saving when I was 7 in order to pay for my kids' tuition now.
26. Children's TV programs - I often hear my parent friends singing random kid's show theme songs. Yeah, that's annoying.
27. (should have been higher up on the list) Stretch marks - yes, I am that vain.
28. Saturday mornings - this is the coveted day that I sleep in. I hear that disappears once you have kids.
29. Adult conversations become ALL about the kids.
30. Children scream. Sometimes for no reason.
31. Legos. Have you ever stepped on one with bare feet?
32. Alcohol - you can't really drink much when you're watching a kid.
33. Travelling.
a) I don't need you giving me dirty looks when my kid is screaming next to you on the plane
b) packing for more than just me will require too many bags
c) the kid isn't going to remember wherever the hell you went anyhow
34. Morals - I have none of my own to teach a small person.
....more to come!
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