The fact of the matter is this: I have become so overwhelmed with the notion that I have an open window of opportunity in front of me. I am actually "struggling" with fact that I can do ANYTHING with my life right now. Anything.
Pretty incredible problem to have, right?
What has troubled me the most though is that several people have misinterpreted my frustration lately with unhappiness - and this couldn't be farther from the truth. People would say "try to find joy in every day" or "I just want you to happy!" So it was really disheartening to hear that I was somehow exuding this disposition of unhappiness or desperation when, in fact, I wake up every morning grateful to be here, in this particular predicament. I think "wow, how lucky am I to have this type of problem?"
So it's not happiness that I seek - I've already been fortunate enough to find that. But more so, it's about finding peace within this storm I've brewed for myself. My frustration, not unhappiness, is rooted in my own impatience and learning to accept that everything will happen in its own time.
When I first started this blog, I was lost, trying to find this path I'm supposed to be on. And recently, with the encouragement, help and inspiration from a few select people, (ironically, all of whom I've met since this journey began a few short months ago), I have found myself in this vortex of endless possibilities. Knowing that my options are unlimited and hoping to have the courage to pursue even one of them has left me completely freaked out. In a good way, though. And I'm beyond excited, anxious, nervous and frankly, scared shitless about my next steps.
What has troubled me the most though is that several people have misinterpreted my frustration lately with unhappiness - and this couldn't be farther from the truth. People would say "try to find joy in every day" or "I just want you to happy!" So it was really disheartening to hear that I was somehow exuding this disposition of unhappiness or desperation when, in fact, I wake up every morning grateful to be here, in this particular predicament. I think "wow, how lucky am I to have this type of problem?"
So it's not happiness that I seek - I've already been fortunate enough to find that. But more so, it's about finding peace within this storm I've brewed for myself. My frustration, not unhappiness, is rooted in my own impatience and learning to accept that everything will happen in its own time.
When I first started this blog, I was lost, trying to find this path I'm supposed to be on. And recently, with the encouragement, help and inspiration from a few select people, (ironically, all of whom I've met since this journey began a few short months ago), I have found myself in this vortex of endless possibilities. Knowing that my options are unlimited and hoping to have the courage to pursue even one of them has left me completely freaked out. In a good way, though. And I'm beyond excited, anxious, nervous and frankly, scared shitless about my next steps.
I'm not going to go into the specifics of all that I'm pondering for my path (I'll share more once the plan in put into action) but on top of all these other life changing decisions swirling in my head, I had a separate wrench thrown into my heart at the same time.
Earlier this year, I met someone with whom I finally felt comfortable letting my guard down and allowed myself to become vulnerable again. Meeting Matt was a simple but complex gift. His mere presence in my life reminded me that not only are there other wonderful and amazing people out there but that I could learn to give up my heart to someone unconditionally again; I discovered that I wasn't broken anymore.
But just as I'm feeling comfortable caring about someone else again.... he tells me he's moving out of the country, indefinitely. I had just spent the last two years salvaging the broken pieces of my heart after the breakup with Julian, and God sent me someone so I could learn how to love again, only for it to be taken away much too soon. I know Matt was sent to me for so many reasons, for which I'm so grateful, as my life IS changing because of him; he's the reason behind starting this blog, he's the reason I've been pushed on this self-discovering journey, he's the reason I'm so motivated to make some major changes for myself.
For these reasons and more, the thought of him exiting my life after only this brief time, wrecked me. It's so rare to meet someone who can create such an astounding impact on your life and I wanted to hold onto that inspiration as long as possible. But I've learned that not everyone stays in your life forever; just long enough to teach a lesson that we needed to learn.
And because my mind was already trying to digest everything else, this threw me over the edge to the point of complete emotional numbness these last few weeks. So yes, I was sad, frustrated, defeated and disappointed... but still lucky to know that I had been blessed with an amazing gift as a result.
So perhaps my last blog post was a bit over-dramatic and something I should have just kept to myself (or simply discussed with my therapist) but I'm fine, I'm not losing my head or utterly depressed beyond repair. I'm good. I more than good. I'm awesome :) I just suffer from First World Problems.
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