At the end of last year, I had to undergo surgery on my right shoulder for a torn rotator cuff. The recovery has not only been painful but also slow and frustrating. Since Dec. 26, 2012, I have been spending close to two hours in physical therapy, three times per week. Not exactly how I'd like to be spending my time.
At the advice of my sister-in-law, I began therapy in February with an acupuncturist from whom she received successful treatment for a similar injury; at this point, I was going to try anything to get my shoulder moving again. I began driving all the way up to Redondo Beach to the Re Nu Mi Wellness Center for treatment every Saturday morning for the next two months. Dr. Kim was no ordinary doctor and I was intrigued with his practice, his teachings and words of wisdom he imparted each session.
After a few visits, Dr. Kim mentioned this retreat he had been hosting for many years and invited me to join this year's group. For weeks, he would suggest that I go but I was a bit hesitant; I really wanted to but it was more of a financial issue for me. But I followed my gut to attend and decided that it would be well worth it.
I'm so grateful my gut is wiser than my head.
It's been several days since returning from this weekend retreat in Sedona, AZ and I'm still finding it painstakingly difficult to find the words that can truly capture this powerful experience. I've already written and re-written this entry many times over but still unable to clearly articulate my heartfelt feelings. I thought writing would be cathartic and help me get my head around what I've been feeling but even so, I still can't find the "right" words to fully illustrate the magnitude and intensity of this experience.
And this retreat could not have come at a better time - as you may have read from a previous post, I have been feeling very lost and looking for something unknown. So going into this weekend, I was hoping to perhaps find some clarity or some sort of direction, some kind of sign that would help me find my Life GPS.
I also wanted to approach the weekend with an open mind and an open heart; I had no expectations nor could I since, quite frankly, Dr. Kim doesn't give you much information other than a one-page itinerary that only includes where we would be staying and locations we'd be visiting in Sedona. So off I went without any predisposed notion of what I was about to encounter.
Including Dr. Kim, there were a total of 12 participants for our adventure. We all lived in Southern California but all from different backgrounds. Aside from the fact that we were all patients of his, there was this mysterious thread that uniquely tied us all together and it made me think that Dr. Kim specifically hand-picked each of us to meet and undergo this experience together.
The only thing that was asked of us was to bring a few personal intentions, prayers of sort. Something that we wanted to work on or pray about, something that was perhaps troubling us in our lives at the moment, be it physical, emotional or whatever challenges we might be battling.
On the first evening together, we took a night hike out to the Airport Vortex, laid out some blankets and stared up at the evening sky, littered with stars - living in a metropolitan area of Southern California, it's been a while since I've been able to see so many stars so this was a much welcome treat. But as we laid there, we shared our intentions and prayers of what we were hoping to work on this weekend. I shared my feelings of disorientation with my search for "something outside myself" and the discontentment with my inability to trust my own decisions.
The rest of our weekend consisted of hikes out to several vortex locations for which Sedona is known, meditation and a sweat lodge purification ceremony. I was not familiar with a sweat lodge until someone told me about a unique case (completely unrelated to Dr. Kim's retreats) where some people had died - by the way, not a good story to tell your mother before you leave on a weekend retreat out of town. I was actually really intrigued about this ritual but more worried about my own physical state; I have passed out on two other occasions due to extreme heat and dehydration so I was rightfully anxious about sitting in a small hut that could top over 100 degrees inside.
I won't go into too much of the actual ceremony itself as there is too much symbolism and ceremonious detail to really explain here. But this I can share as it related to my experience:
One, it was super hot. I kept trying to calm my nerves prior to going in by saying "I'm just going to hot yoga" but that did not come close to prepare me for as hot as it was there. Two, it's pitch dark inside other than the temporary light from the fire-heated stones that are placed in the pit in the middle. Moreover, I tend to be claustrophobic and this tented, low-ceiling area was smaller than my bedroom; and then cram 13 people inside with no room to stand up. And on top of all that, I often suffer from vertigo if I'm unable to focus my eyes on something. So between the passing out, claustrophobia and vertigo, I had to overcome my physical and mental feats pretty quickly.
About 20 minutes into it, I leaned over to Dr. Kim and bluntly said, "I don't feel well" as I was clearly about to freak out. There were several moments when I wanted to crawl out of there as fast as possible as my body and mind succumbed to fear. But I endured for the 2.5 hour ceremony but not without a little help from Dr. Kim who reminded me to breathe and always return to the center of my self.
Simple instructions can have a prodigious effect.
The next morning, our group met to recap our previous night's experience. It was amazing to hear everyone's unique perspective, what they physically saw or felt and experienced. What I found curious was that several people in the group had this ah-ha moment; something spoke to them or they experienced something during the ceremony that seemed totally foreign to me. I was almost, I hate to admit, jealous that they had a completely different experience than my own. I was too concerned with getting through the ceremony physically, that I perhaps missed out on something; and as a result, I felt I had failed in some way.
And then it hit me. I realized what its purpose was for me. I remembered how each time when I wanted to focus on the others and their intentions and prayers, I had to keep coming back to myself, I had to return to my own well-being first. As much as I wanted to be there for my new friends and support them in whatever prayers they had to offer, I had to be strong for myself first.
For years, I've always either been codependent on someone or looked to others for reassurance and approval; I've battled with major insecurities and self-doubt, I've second-guessed decisions or outright avoided making choices on my own altogether. I always looked outside of myself, someone else to blame or depend on, yet it never dawned on me to look internally first. I got through this ceremony because I focused on me; and now, and only now, can I see that I do possess my own inner strength on which I can depend instead. And even more so, I can actually trust my gut and the decisions that I make (my gut knew to come on this retreat and it didn't stray me wrong there!).
Like the saying goes, you can't love someone else unless you love yourself first. In this case, I realized that I had to find strength in myself before I could give strength to others around me.
I learned that I no longer have to look to others to build me up because I have the fortitude to stand on my own. I learned that I can trust and have faith in myself first and foremost. I learned that I can be strong. All I have to do is start with ME.
I returned home feeling refreshed and spiritually revitalized. The next day, I stayed home from work knowing that it may be challenging to re-enter my typical "real life" routine after being away for such an emotionally charging experience. I took this day to really reflect on everything and really drink it all in.
However, the next day was a much different story. We were told by one of the retreat moderators to not be surprised if we had feelings of depression or just out of sorts upon return to our normal lives. Well for me, that was an understatement. I returned to work and within seconds of sitting down at my desk, the two computer monitors on, voice mail light blinking at me, emails coming in - I was completely overstimulated to the point of suffocation. I was overwhelmed with the effect everything was having on me and had to take a second to breathe and really reconfigure my mind. I found myself having to stop every so often to just focus on my breath and be mindful of what I was doing.
Later that morning, I was casually telling some coworkers about the weekend and I was at a loss for words - something NOT common for me. And then out of no where, I could feel an impeding moment of destitution; tears welled up in my eyes because not only was I struggling to find my words to explain what I was feeling but almost paralyzed by indescribable emotion. Needless to say, I only lasted about three hours in the office and this extroverted recluse was much more calm in the solitude of my house, phone /tv off.
Today was a little easier although I did stay away from the office and chose to work from home. I went for a walk and meditated for about 20 minutes which definitely helped soothe my mind and body. I did have to go into physical therapy this afternoon but all the people and movement and just the realization that I was back home, having to deal with my everyday "stuff" including the continued rehabilitation of my shoulder, almost brought me to tears again.
I find it amusing when people say to me "oh, glad to hear it was a good weekend!" and I smirk and think, good? Enlightening, interesting, complex, yes, but 'good' simply fails as a descriptor for this weekend.
It was comforting to hear that some of the other members of our group were in some way experiencing a similar aftermath and I can only hope tomorrow will be easier yet. It's bewildering to see how three days away, in such a peaceful and serene yet energizing place like Sedona can really do a number on one's psyche. I'm still trying to understand and appreciate all that I'm going through, but again... everything happens for a reason.
These three days not only challenged us physically and mentally, but forced us to open our minds and our souls. As I re-read this post over and over, it still doesn't really explain what happened to me this weekend. But there's a reason I injured my shoulder; there's a reason my sister-in-law recommended Dr. Kim and why I waited several months to start seeing him; there's a reason I listened to my gut to attend the retreat; there's a reason I met these 11 amazing individuals whom I am so gracious and grateful to have met and shared this experience with.....
If you were to ask As Dr. Kim what the retreat was about, he would say, "oh just shut up and follow me." And that pretty much explains it. You just have have faith and follow him (who by the way, is like a billygoat climbing up heavy terrain mountainsides!) and approach it with an open mind. And that's all I can say about it.
Please message me if you're interested in attending the next retreat in October - I highly recommend it to anyone and hope to be attending it again as well!
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