Interesting Observation

I was talking with some friends tonight about this blog and more specifically, the post about why I don't want kids, and I realized something very curious...they say the things you dislike in others are typically the same things that you don't like in yourself.  I think this same principle applies to my disdain towards having children:

1) they/ I talk too much and don't shut up
2) they're/ I'm always whining about something
3) they / I eat too much
4) they / I have way too many clothes/ stuff
5) they /I often scream for no reason

So there you have it... totally makes sense now.  :)

My Dating Life is a Seinfeld Episode

Between the years 1995 and 2011, I went on three first dates.   This is my story.

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A few months after graduating from university, I was out for a nice dinner with some family friends in West LA when I met Dennis.  He had a drink sent to me, an act which I thought was very 'adult'; up to this point of my guileless life, the "best" way to meet a guy was to see who was left at the 9-0 at the end of the night.  Here I was, barely 22 years old and my expectations were low, so this was a nice surprise.  Anyhow, my friends encouraged me to go thank him for the drink.  The next night, Dennis and I went out for sushi then began dating for the next two years. It was a tumultuous relationship that lasted about a year and a half too long.  

During those last few months of going back and forth with Dennis, I met Darin; I was at Sharkeez in Newport Beach celebrating cinco de mayo with friends.  We chatted, had a few laughs, and towards the end of the night, I drove his drunk ass to Huntington Beach because he lost his friends (all very foreshadowing of our relationship unfortunately).  He called the next day and we ended up dating for the next five years, were married for the following three years, and then I spent the last year trying to find him in order to serve him divorce papers.  

Shortly after the divorce was final, I was staged to have my Golden Birthday (31 on the 31st) and boy, was I going to celebrate - I still refer to that time in my life as the Year of Debauchery (my mom may be reading this so I need to keep this PG-rated).  I was travelling out of town every other weekend, spending a lot of time with my single (and other newly divorced) friends in Newport again, had a cute, younger boy toy in Las Vegas... a relationship was the last thing on my mind.

Then I met Julian; we worked in the same office, although not for the same employer.  Being that we were each coming out of serious relationships at the time (mine just happened to be with myself and I wasn't about ready to give up my independence), there was much trepidation from both of us going into it but we ended up dating for the next 5-1/2 years.  I thought, thankfully, I had gone on my last first date.

But here I am.  

I preface with all this relationship history because I basically haven't been single since 1995 - a time way before online dating, texting, sexting, and social media.  It's a different dating world out there... and I have NO clue what I'm doing.  When I was dating Julian, my best friend would call me with "dating issues" and I would offer my (although, albeit naive) advice and she'd arguably say "you have NO idea what it's like out there!  You've been in a relationship for years and have no clue what you're talking about!"

Well, she was right then and her assessment still applies today.

Not only is dating in general different, I'm in such a different place now, too.  One, I can't even claim the title, Single; I have to check off a different box: Divorced.  Two, I'm not 22 years old anymore - I can't go out to a bar with my flirty little outfit, have a few drinks and let bad judgement take over.  That obviously didn't work out for me back then, it isn't going to work now.  And moreover, I have no desire to go out to bars and clubs anymore because a) it's too loud in there b) I can't go out with a flirty little outfit without being mistaken for a desperate cougar c) I'd rather stay home and stare at the wall.

So where does that leave me? Bring on the 15 cats, I say!

But after I moved out from Julian's house post breakup, I moved in with a great girlfriend who graciously welcomed my beat-up, heartbroken, sack of bones, pathetic soul into her home.  I was in such a downtrodden place but she always knew how to cheer me up.  And one forsaken (vodka-induced, I'm sure) evening, she encouraged me to create a profile for a well-known, free online dating site.  Since I was in no emotional state to be dating, it was purely for entertainment value to pass the time... well, like most things that are free, that's pretty much all I got from it.

Once I was more comfortable with the idea of dating again, I did try to be more optimistic about the whole online thing.  And besides, who was I kidding, it was the only place I could 'hope' to meet new people.  But after only several weeks, I don't know how many times I had to go back to edit my profile to include phrases like "please don't give me any pet names when emailing me" and "I won't respond to your emails if your profile only includes self-portraits in the bathroom or your car"* and my favorite, "if you'd like to start a conversation, please send me more than 'your cute' and expect a response with proper grammar."  Each time I logged into my account, I would try to be open-minded about what may be waiting for me... DELETE, DELETE, DELETE is what I usually found myself doing with most of the guys who messaged me.

(* WHY do people post pictures of themselves in their car?!)

I don't know if my standards are too high or the immediate population is completely un-dateable?  I do admit that I do have pretty high standards though - Julian definitely set a pretty high bar and left some hard shoes to fill. And I am trying to be open-minded.  So, someone recently asked me what my "specs" where; I have (2) lists:

The short list:

Age 35-44

Height 5'10" - 6'3"

Bachelor's degree

no kids

(That's not a lot to ask for right?)

The expanded list:

Age 37-42

Height: 6'2"+

Bachelor's degree

no kids nor wants them

ethnic mix of Latino and Caucasian (or European.  Or Canadian.), grew up in the Midwest, has been travelling the world for the last year and wants to settle down now

......and I wonder why my dating pool is about as deep as a puddle.

My mother keeps reminding me that the older I get, the less likely it will be to find someone who hasn't been married nor has kids.  I'd actually prefer someone who is divorced; it shows he can commit but also has experienced going through the turmoil of a divorce.  But the kid thing is definitely a deal breaker (see my Childless Existence post) and I figure, I'm 39 without children, there ARE others out there like me, right?   Right?

I have a good male friend of mine who LOVES dating.  He'll book 4-5 different dates per week if possible.  He just loves going out and meeting new people.  He is not a gigolo by any means but simply loves dating.  The thought of that sounds completely exhausting and I can barely find enough energy for a 15 minute introductory phone call, much less an obligatory Starbuck's date which better be within a 5 mile radius of my home or office.  Grandma here doesn't like to drive far.

Sadly, I've been on more first dates in the last year and a half than I have my entire life.  I now also have random names in my phone like ChrisPOF or RobertOKC and CraigMatch because most of the time, that's the only way I can differentiate or remember them.  I just listened to a message from someone named Steve... I have NO clue who he is nor what is story is.

Like many of my forlorn female counterparts, I've already had my share of amusing dating antics (I will have a separate post for dating stories) that always fare well at dinner parties with married couples or when commiserating with said single gal pals.  Since when did dating become so difficult?  Since when do guys think it's appropriate to text you "hey, send me a picture of your ass?" BEFORE they've even met me?  I'm no prude but I do have some self-respect.  Apparently, it's much easier for people to hide behind texts and emails, as there's no commitment or emotional liability, I guess. I've been appalled, offended, embarrassed and slightly confused with guys' comments, pictures and outright audaciousness.  I often say to myself, "no wonder these guys are single!"  then remember that I'm right there with them.  <...sigh...>

<sidebar>

Ok this is really funny because as I'm writing this entry, a message from one of my sites just came in so I HAD to include it here.  My online profile makes it pretty clear that I'm a huge USC fan as I mention it a few times.  But tonight's IDIOT has the nerve to message me and tell me that my football coach (Kiffin) sucks and that basically USC is not worth following.  HELLO?  Way to get on my good side, you futard?!  And then he goes on and on about why he's this great catch.  Buddy, note to self, don't insult someone before you've met them and oh, humbleness can be attractive.  DELETE and BLOCK.

There is a great scene from the show Seinfeld where Jerry is surprised that Elaine is going on a blind date.  One of the best dialogues:

JERRY: Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?
ELAINE: Twenty-five percent.

JERRY: Twenty-five percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty to one shot.

ELAINE: You're way off.

JERRY: Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.

ELAINE: So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?

JERRY: UNDATEABLE!

ELAINE: Then how are all these people getting together?

JERRY: Alcohol.

Sometimes I feel like my dating life is like a Seinfeld episode.  All about nothing but  always very funny.

By the way, a 72 year OLD man messaged me last night.  SEVENTY-TWO.  I'm guessing gramps' glasses were foggy when he read my 43 year age max. I wanted to respond with "how healthy are you and I'll need to see a copy of your most recent bank statement."  On second thought, maybe I should send him my mom's number?

(last minute addition:  I did reply to that futard who emailed me tonight.  I graciously said "Way to insult my school then go on to tell me more about your ego.  Good luck to you."

My Childless Existence...

Much to my mother's dismay, I have repeatedly said that I don't plan on having children and many of you know that I have an ongoing list of reasons why I don't want them.  Don't get me wrong, I love children - more specifically my two adorable nephews - but let's just say I also refer to them as Birth Control #1 and Birth Control #2.  Hours after BC1 was born 8 years ago, I walked out of the hospital, called my mom and said, "Yup.  Never going to happen."

Last weekend, I felt incredibly horrible when BC1 overheard me say that I didn't want to go on holiday with the K-I-D-S.  Well, I should have known better that his 2nd grade spelling skills were much more advanced than expected and he said "Auntie! I know what you said! You said you don't want to go with me and BC2!  But it's ok... I understand.  It's because I'm annoying!"

Of course I'm horrified and go over and give him a huge hug, tell him that I love him and say "You're not annoying!  Don't ever say that - don't ever tell yourself that! It's just that Auntie likes quiet.  You're not always quiet.  In fact, you're actually very loud.  It's why Auntie goes home at the end of the day to sit and stare in silence.  But I love you just the same."

But like I said, I love my nephews but they also make me realize that motherhood is simply not for me.  And here are a few reasons..... (this will be an ongoing list that I'll continuously add to on occasion)

**Please note this post is not meant to offend anyone - it is all meant in jest and I'm simply poking fun at parenthood. I applaud all the parents out there and look to you in amazement and curiously wonder how you do it.  I know children are a blessing and they make it all worth the while.  blah blah blah, I get it, but my preference is to not have them.  If you can't handle it.. well suck it.. write your own blog.**

1.  Diapers - clean, they take up space and they're expensive.  Dirty, well, they're dirty. I don't do dirty diapers.  39 years old, happily have not changed ONE diaper. Ever.

2.  Toys - they're everywhere and will take up space where I can store shoes.

3.  Clothes - they wear them for a day then outgrow them and like toys, take up too much available shoe real estate

4.  Feedings - I hear these things need to be fed every so often as babies.  I can barely feed myself every few hours.

5.  Crying - the noise factor alone makes this a Top 5 reason.  And unfortunately, you can't give kids a a glass of wine like I give myself whenever I cry.  

6.  Expense - this is an ongoing, lifelong thing.  I'm 39yrs old and if mom's wallet is open, I'll ask for a few bucks.  They will always mooch off you as much as possible.

7.  Napping - this is more related to MY napping. I like to nap.  I don't need kids interrupting my own.

8.  Other kids - sooner or later, your own kids will have to make friends.  That means even MORE small people making noise and messing up your house.

9.  Children's birthday parties - Enough said.

10.  Baseball games.

11.  Football games.

12.  Soccer games.

13.  Basketball games.

14.  Dance recitals.

15.  Music recitals.

16.  Other parents.

17.  It takes 45 minutes to pack the car to go to the beach.  This is not including the hour it took to get them dressed and in the car and then another hour to unload the car and transport the stuff TO the beach.  "Yeah, we left at 8am but didn't get to the beach until about noon..."

18.  Christmas and Easter photos - really?  Sure they're cute (IF they're not crying) but why torment your child into sitting with a complete stranger, one who is some creepy old man and the other who looks like they're going to eat you.

19.  Endless doctor's appointments

20.  Babies R Us - have you been in this place??  First baby shower I ever went to, I had to venture in and vowed never to return.  That place is scary.

21.  Disneyland - NOT the Happiest Place on Earth when you're pushing around a stroller with 5000 others pushing their strollers. Why is this fun for parents?  

22.  Interrupts my sitting & staring time.

23.  Barf, puke, any form of projectile nonsense coming from their mouth.  

24.  I don't want to be 60 by the time I have my house back to myself.  And some, I hear, move back in with you!

25.  Education - I don't know how my parents afforded to put me through school but I would have had to start saving when I was 7 in order to pay for my kids' tuition now.

26.  Children's TV programs - I often hear my parent friends singing random kid's show theme songs.  Yeah, that's annoying.

27.  (should have been higher up on the list) Stretch marks - yes, I am that vain.

28.  Saturday mornings - this is the coveted day that I sleep in.  I hear that disappears once you have kids.

29.  Adult conversations become ALL about the kids.

30.  Children scream.  Sometimes for no reason.  

31.  Legos.  Have you ever stepped on one with bare feet?

32.  Alcohol - you can't really drink much when you're watching a kid.  

33.  Travelling.
  a) I don't need you giving me dirty looks when my kid is screaming next to you on the plane
  b) packing for more than just me will require too many bags
  c) the kid isn't going to remember wherever the hell you went anyhow

34. Morals - I have none of my own to teach a small person.

....more to come!


    

Moment for a Random Thought

These are the things that circle my mind sometimes...this is tonight's quandary:

I checked out a new restaurant tonight (Arc) which I highly recommend by the way, where they only serve three types of meat; their menu reads "Duck, Pig, Steak."  Yes, it's unusual that they called the pork dish, "pig" but more importantly, it got me thinking... on a menu, a dish will be listed by the type of animal, for example, chicken, fish or duck.  How come beef is not called what it is?  Cow.  Why does the cow get such special recognition for its meat?  When we ordered our steak tonight, we didn't say, "We'll have the cow"?  And shouldn't this restaurateur keep it's menu consistent and have it read "Duck, Pig, Cow" instead?

(all this is reminding me that I'm eating animals.  blagh.)

That is all for tonight.

Expert Chef Assembler - Salmon Salad recipe

Cooking for one is always challenging - and I'm not a huge fan of leftovers the entire week so it's often hard to come up with single-serving ideas week in and week out.  Also, I'm not the greatest chef in the kitchen and let's be honest, at the end of the day, I'm just too lazy to stand in the kitchen and cereal for dinner gets pretty boring after the 4th night.

But I love Trader Joe's - they have many fresh entrees that usually have 2-3 servings per package and it's usually just a few minutes in the microwave to "cook."  The downside is that I hate all the plastic and waste that it creates (that's for another post).

The other option is what I call assembling and thanks to Trader Joe's, I have become a Certified Master Assembler. They have great options of semi-prepared goods and I've come up with some great, quick ideas that usually don't take too long to prep.  Also, mom did buy me one of their cookbooks that always comes in handy, too!  I've found some great assembling ideas in here!  I'll be posting some of my favorites here on my blog on occasion.  

I find myself eating a lot of salads for lunch but it doesn't always have to be the same boring thing - always comes down to how creative you can be with the ingredients.  This was my lunch today and I LOVED it:

~Salmon Salad~

Ingredients: (everything was from TJ's)

Salmon

organic baby spinach

beets (already cooked, cleaned and ready to go)

marinated mushrooms

crumbled feta cheese

Persian cucumbers
Sesame Soy Ginger Vinaigrette

The night before, I poached two salmon fillets in my handy rice cooker/steamer so I used half of one for the salad - this is one of my favorite new kitchen appliances by the way.  You can cook your rice and it comes with a little tray that you can steam fish, veggies, tofu on top so everything is ready at the same time - genius!  Unfortunately, once I cooked the salmon and the rice... my apartment smelled like a true Asian household... I'm still airing it out today! :/

Technology Tourettes

I was first exposed to a computer in the 5th grade.  We were taught how to write in BASIC - the screen was black, the only font was green and it was horrible on the eyes.   We saved our programs on a cassette tape, exactly like the one you used to record music off the radio.  And you'd have to watch the counter to rewind or fast-forward to the point wherever your program started.  At the time, I thought that was THE coolest thing and I thought I was the smartest person ever because I could write a computer program!

These days, I can barely check my email because my password needs to be a combination of alpha-numeric, Aramaic, half CAPS, and contain two types of animals, Chinese characters and the words to an ABBA song.

I've always said that technology can make us become our own worst enemy.  I asked someone the other day "Do you have any fun plans on going somewhere this weekend to stare at your phone?" Yes, I'm that person who gets annoyed when your phone is on the table at lunch or that you need to check it incessantly every five minutes.  What happened to social interaction, and I mean actual voice to voice, eye to eye interaction and not communicating through Likes, Comments, @symbols and hash-tags?

Technology is supposed to make our lives easier, but I often find that it complicates my own, and it has left me craving the simpler days.  There was something comforting in coming home to check for voice messages on the machine, or figuring out the VCR timer or laying on the floor while talking on the phone because the cord was too short to reach your bed.  So I don't know if it's just an age thing and I'm old-school or that I'm simply not technologically savvy enough to understand any of it.

But as much as I've tried to resist change, I have given in to some of the following but not without a fight.  And no joke, some of these things I've only started using in the last year or so and in most cases, was forced into by default.

Smart phone:  I have a Samsung something-something.  I don't even know what it is.  I didn't even have one until my old flip-phone broke last summer, so I walked into the Sprint store and all I said was "I need a new phone, preferably an Android."  Keep in mind, I have NO clue what the different platforms are or mean but I know my IT guys at work used Android and I'm not hipster enough to use an iPhone.  So he asks me, "what do you use it for?"  I said, "to text, check my email when I should be working and to call my mom."  He leads me to the Android phones, I pick up the cutest one, pretend like I know what I'm doing and say, "sure, wrap it up" and the guy says, "Don't you want to check it out more, play around with it?" To which I say, "Can it text, check my email, call my mom? Yes?  Wrap it up."  The next day, several guys at work see it on my desk and are like "Whoa, cool! Is that the new Samsung X5000-R2D2 (yes, that' a made up model because no, I still don't know what it is)" and I say, "I have no clue, it's a phone!"  Little did I realize that I had a top of the line phone that has 100s of great functions and features.  I use it to text, check email and call my mom.

Home Computer: I didn't have a home laptop until a year after I started working at my current job (2007).  I didn't have home internet access until then either but hooked up service only because I now had the computer.     

DVR: My cable bill went up last summer and I called Time Warner to check out alternative options.  They had a special that would reduce my monthly charge if I added the DVR function.  I already watch enough bad television, I did not need a reason to record MORE bad television.


Apple Products:  My first iPod was a Shuffle; it looked like a memory stick and I won it in a contest at work.  At that time, I had neither an iTunes account much less internet access at home, so I sat & watched my friend for 8 hours uploading music on to it from her computer.  I used that Shuffle for 3 or 4 years until I got mom to buy me a cute pink Nano for my birthday last year. And then most recently, my boss was very gracious to gift everyone in the company with individual AppleTV units.  I finally had to give in and create an iTunes account.  Great, another place to shop (but I have yet to purchase an Apple product on my own).

Car GPS:  Actually I don't even have this in my car; instead, I have a stack of handwritten directions on post-its and scraps of paper that I keep in the middle console in my car.  So this one I have succeeded in avoiding so far (and no, I don't know how to use the GPS function on my phone - see Smart phone entry above).

Social Media: I created my Facebook account maybe in 2008. My friend who introduced it to me was much younger, and I was fascinated with her 2000 connections.  I didn't quite understand it yet but reluctantly signed up and hoped for even 10 friends!  As for Twitter and Instagram, I'm still trying to figure those out <report back later>

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There are days when I come home, the TV is off, phone ringer muted, computer shut down so I can sit and stare.  Some of my friends get annoyed that I'm not attached to my phone and respond to texts in a less than timely manner but sometimes I need an escape from it all.  And there are days when I have total technology Tourettes; I'm watching a DVRd show (I can't watch normal TV anymore!), laptop on, IMing through GoogleTalk, responding to Hotmail emails, stalking my 316 friends on Facebook (most of whom I haven't seen nor spoken more than 5 words to in the last 20 years), perusing ModCloth, writing on Blogger.com, iTunes library playing in the background, participating in no less than 4 text chats, and checking my work email from my phone.  So needless to say, I have given in to the arms of technology but have yet to determine whether it has improved or degraded my life. I may be an old dog when it comes to adapting to new technology, but who am I kidding... I can't live without it because the recluse that I am, can sit here and not have to interact with any of you! 

Life GPS - Part II

So this blog was not meant to be a glorified diary but this weekend has been emotionally trying so bear with me as writing is a cathartic release.

Friday's post (Wanted: Life GPS) was an eruptive culmination of the 100s of thoughts and feelings racing through my head.  I go back and read it now and feel like it's a crock pot of thoughts, all thrown in and simmering to make something out of it.  But I keep reading it over and over and it really doesn't explain how I got to that point of mental frustration.  Funny enough, that same frustration is what motivated me to start writing again and finally launch this blog after months of hesitation and trepidation.

I know everything happens for a reason - sometimes we don't always see the reason right away and sometimes God likes to keep teaching the same lesson to make sure we've learned it, but also to remind us that we are strong enough to keep moving forward.  I recognize that I'm at this confused and frustrated state in my life for a reason - everything up to now has happened to help prepare me for the next step.

What is my passion?  What fuels me?  What is missing that leaves me feeling emotionally empty?

These are questions that have been plaguing my mind all weekend. My frantic and lucid Friday was ironically just a step in the right direction.  And I realized that now, and only now, was it the right time, the right part of my journey, for me to finally seek out what truly gives value and purpose to MY life.

I've been fortunate to meet two individuals at different stages of my life who have inspired me in different ways. They are each incredible human beings who have believed in something and have changed their lives completely, simply to follow their individual passions.  I applaud their devotion and sacrifices they've made to be true to themselves and follow their hearts to where they truly belong and towards what they love most.  And I look at them and think, "I want that! I need something in my life that drives me so vehemently and innately like that!" I can only hope to find something to be so passionate about that will hopefully not only drive me but guide me through my life.  Starting this blog and finally writing again is my first step in my search for that passion.

I know these two people came into my life for an exact purpose.  Unfortunately for me, these same life passions also led these two people out of the country for different reasons.  And although I have an esteemed admiration for both and will continue to look to them for inspiration, I have a love/hate relationship with each.  One individual paralyzed my heart yet taught me lifelong lessons about myself, love and strength.  The other, which I believe, was a complex gift that I was meant to receive at this exact moment in my life to help me question everything that I know, believe and trust, and push me to a point of self-discovery.  Yes, it has left me completely lost and confused... but I'm grateful for that push and welcome it with an open heart and open mind.

I dedicate this post to my two inspirations.  To Julian - thank you for your unconditional love and teaching me so many life lessons and inspiring me to become a better person.  To Matt - thank you for your chicken scratch notes for my blog, the inspiration to write again and your undying hope for humanity.  Thank you both for inspiring me in ways you'll never understand.  I know you each came into my world for a reason and I am eternally grateful for the role you played in my life.

Wanted: Life GPS

By the time you’re 40-ish, are we supposed to know what we’re doing with our lives?  How do we know we’re on the “right path” to wherever it is we’re supposed to be going? 

I’m typically a very happy person – grateful for what I have and don’t need much to live a simple life.  I have a roof over my head, food in my frig, water comes out of the tap when I turn it on and a stable job that pays for all of it… so what else do I need?  What else do I need to be happy?

I guess happy is a subjective word though.  I’m happy but am I satisfied with where my “path” has led me? I’m grateful for the journey so far as it has molded me into the person I am today.  But now what?  What is it that is going to satiate my life to LIVE.  Not to just breath, but to truly LIVE.

My whole life I was either someone's daughter, a girlfriend, a wife - it was a title I held, but a label that was never my own.  It wasn't until a few years ago when I finally realized that I no longer belonged to someone and I could in fact, create my own title:  Me.  And now, as I approach 40 later this year, I’m trying to figure out what identity belongs to Me – something I thought I had figured out long ago but apparently I had been confusing that with just surviving through the mayhem that is life. 

Yes, everyone has ups & downs, which in turn formulates who you become.  I have survived an ugly divorce – not only my own but of my parents after 30 years of marriage – and I had my heart shattered by someone I never thought would ever hurt me.  These were three overwhelmingly, emotional events which literally changed the course of my "planned" life I had anticipated; although my (multiple) therapists over the years I'm sure are all grateful for the neuroses that they created for me.  But I digress… yes, these moments changed me but WHO did it create as a result? A much stronger me, yes.  A much more confused soul... absolutely. 

When I was married, we had our lives planned out – we bought the house, had our future kids’ names picked out and it was pretty much assumed that my (ex)husband would be the bread-winner and I’d create the happy household.  When that image was taken over by reality- along with the illness of addiction (my ex), I was forced to become a much different person; I did whatever I could to emotionally survive and became what I thought at the time, the new me.  But in retrospect, it was just coping.. I still don’t think I was truly me. It may have been a ‘new & improved’ me but looking back, that person was still so lost.

After the divorce, little did I realize that I still had a lot of growing up to do.  I was still very emotionally immature, still innately angry but I had eradicated the drama in my life -  I thought that’s all I needed to do.  And for the time being, I was ‘fine’.

It’s been almost 10 years since I separated from my ex-husband and after countless hours of therapy, ending a different six-year relationship, I can say that I’m in a good place – emotionally, mentally, spiritually.  However, I feel that I’m at a crossroads in my life. I’m finally financially stable to support myself, out of debt and still have the luxury of the occasional shopping spree or holiday out of town.  But I’m finding that this "comfortableness" is unsettling and I’m craving something in my life to sustain something that has been perhaps missing – the last 10 years have simply been about weathering an emotional roller coaster and maturing, but I think there’s a sense of anxiety inside that has been waiting for the storm to settle to finally come out and play.  Now I just need to figure out what is going to satiate this anxiety that I'm spinning.

The question of "what am I doing with my life" constantly peppers my mind and I'm struggling with what direction I'm supposed to take next on this path.  I know God already has a perfectly laid out plan for me - although He & I are in a bit of an argument right now (that's for another post) but sometimes I wish I had a life GPS.

If ever homeless, my roadside sign will read: Will work to travel

ahh, Paris!  Je t'aime!  Probably one of my favorite cities in the world.  If someone said they'll give me a ticket to go anywhere in the world - Paris will usually be my choice.  I first visited the City of Lights as a naive teenager. My parents "loved" me so much, they got me out of the house and shipped me off for three weeks with 25 other puberty stricken adolescents to roam around Western Europe.  We were entrusted in the care of an ex-nun, a Catholic brother and what I think was a 26 year old man-child.  On this three week journey, we scoured the lands of 7 different countries, multiple cities, 100s of churches, all while traversing in a double-decker luxury bus which had a huge crack across the top deck window.  When we inquired with our driver, Eddie, how it got there, he said in his broken English, "tree branch too low!"  (to this day, we still think he spoke perfect English but chose to ignore our childish dialogue and harassment throughout the entire trip.)

Anyhow, this adventure was complete mayhem but it made for hilarious stories, great memories and impromptu songs about the "unique aroma" we constantly endured wherever we went.  I truly believe this trip instilled in me a permanent travel bug and I have yet to find a cure to satisfy its cravings.  I've since returned to Paris three other times and visited 20+ other countries but still have so many more on my list.  I find that most of my waking hours are spent thinking about either 1) where can I go next and 2) how am I going to pay for it?  Both questions still leave me dumbfounded.

So thank you mom and dad for giving me the gift of travel at such a young age.  You have given me a lifetime of endless destinations to seek out and discover.

Welcome to my world

So now what to I do with this blog?  It took me weeks to come up with a title (at least one that wasn't already taken) only to arrive at Extroverted Recluse.  This was a self-proclaimed title, one that describes me quite accurately.  With friends, I'm a social butterfly who asks way too many questions and talks way too much..and more often then not, too loudly.  But in reality, I crave the silence of my apartment and you'll often hear me say, "I can't wait to go sit & stare." Stare at what?  I don't know - the ceiling, air, my laptop, the tv, a book.. anything that I don't have to interact with.

So why the blog?  One, I can do it in the quiet of my own home.  But more so because I needed an outlet to write.  I have a degree in Public Relations/ Journalism and unfortunately use none of my writing abilities in my 9-5 (or in my case, often 10-4) job.

So what's this going to be about... well, just a background on me, although anyone reading at this point probably already knows me and I've begged you to come check it out!  I'm currently in my twilight year of my 30s; no longer living the carefree life of my 20s yet not dawned into my 40s.  I feel this time of my life is definitely a growing and enlightening stage; yet I'm mature enough to recognize where I've been and identify where I want to go.  Still lots of questions circling my head, of course, but hopefully my goggles are on a bit tighter and clearer to see that road ahead.

My intent with this blog will be more lifestyle driven - fashion, food, travel, work, dating, and sometimes probably complete jarbled nonsense - but more targeted for a "gal of a certain age".. you know who you are!

Whenever asked my age, I will respond, "Always 29" but let's face it, I really don't want to be 29 again!  I had a lot of fun in my 20s: up till 2am 4-5 times per week, waking up somewhere in Newport looking for my car or a cab.  Those days are LONG gone for me and I'm quite content with my 10pm bedtime and waking up in my own bed.  Age is but a number, so unless you ask to see my license, I will always be 29.

Who knows what the next decade will bring - but I'm excited to find out!

So, hope you enjoy it... I'm still trying to figure out how use the 25 new fonts I uploaded?