Expectations

When it comes to expectations of others, especially those we love, we count on a certain level of love and respect in exchange for the loving and caring things we do for them.  Love and expectations go hand in hand.  You can't love someone without expecting a little of the same in return; what we do ourselves, we would expect from others. However, the biggest disappointments in our lives are the result of misplaced expectations.

Hollywood has created unrealistic and false expectations on how we perceive relationships.  There is that whole Jerry Mcguire "you complete me" bullshit; looking for happiness and some sort of fulfillment in someone else when you should be creating your happiness within yourself first. That's a lot of pressure to put on one person, including yourself, setting the premise that you're not complete until you find "the one."  What a bunch of loaded crap. 

Romantic-comedies conjure up these stories that there's supposed to be some definitive progression of how a relationship should start, have its ups and downs but still end up happy in the end.  And every movie ends the same because that's how it's supposed to be, right?

Disney and most fairy tales play their part in creating these misconceptions, too.  We grow up waiting to find our Prince Charming, that knight in shining armor to come rescue us and live happily ever after.  We believe the whole narrative of our relationships should follow this magical story line.

[sidenote: does it bother anyone that in the story of Cinderella, the Prince falls madly in love with her in one night, yet can't remember what she looks like and has to go all over town with her shoe to find her?]

Every day I read various relationship "advice" columns and self-help newsletters; I love blogs/websites like mindbodygreen and Mark and Angel Hack Life.  Even the Huffington Post will have a few goods ones every so often.  But I just read one tonight which reiterates my exact point - the article is entitled "9 Reasons he's the One."  Articles like this perpetuate a check list that people think they need to adhere to in order to know whether or not their S.O. is a keeper. It's setting expectations that no ONE person is ever going to fulfill.  So if your boyfriend/fiance is missing two of these, you better break up with him?  Sure, these articles are good barometers to use but it sets certain impractical expectations for people. 

We also tend to let the influence of family and friends alter our expectations -  "is he the one?", "how did he propose?", "when are you getting married?", "when are you having kids?" - was it the fairy tale you were expecting?  We continually project these standards on one another of how a relationship should look and progress as if it should follow a certain step-by-step calendar of events and emotions. Why do we do this to one another?

Many people have unconsciously carried and embellished this picture in their head of that perfect relationship, sometimes since childhood.  Creating images of finding the "one" and hoping that it is going to be that fantasy we always dreamed it being. But I think people get so caught up in constructing these story lines not realizing that the second something looks askew, and that person doesn't live up to your expectations or something happens that wasn't supposed to, we become frustrated, let down, and disappointed.  

Now that my expectations haven't been met, I'm unhappy and unsatisfied and I want to jump ship. So who's to blame?  I've led to believe that this is often the sole root for most break-ups; someone went "off-script" and the other person is unwilling to see how the new story ends.

What I've learned about expectations:

1.  It's unrealistic.  

2.  Life is unpredictable and unconditional.  Just because it didn't turn out how you expected or wanted, doesn't mean it isn't going to turn out even better than you imagined.

3.  We're all individuals with different stories, different pasts on different paths with different desires.  No one can have the same expectations nor ever live up to your own. 

4.  Once you let go of expectations, acceptance of others settles in.  Loving someone means allowing them to be themselves.  And the moment you allow them to be themselves, you can appreciate them even more.  The sooner you accept someone for everything they are, the sooner you will be happy. If you know what to expect, you'll never be disappointed.  

5.  People don't change.  As soon as I learned to accept someone for who they are, we begin to love them even more with all their flaws and imperfections.  Learn to appreciate each other's idiosyncrasies and individual quirks.  People are perfectly imperfect.

6.  It's often a reflection of expectations of ourselves.  We expect so much of ourselves that we often project it unfairly onto others.    

7.  Expectations for relationships shouldn't follow a map or directions.  How your relationship starts and flourishes should be whatever and however works for you.  Sometimes a great relationship is just two idiots who don't know a damn thing except they are trying to figure it out together. It should never be measured by the amount of butterflies in your stomach or how you met - but based on honesty, respect and friendship.

8.  Relationships aren't perfect ALL the time.  Don't expect it to be.  

9.  Things/situations turn out as they're supposed to, not always as to how you expected.  But that's God's will and the sooner we learn to accept that, the happier we'll be, trusting it's in His hands.

My (un)healthy obsession

I've been working out since I was 12 years old. And I mean, actually going to the gym and working out on cardio machines, lifting weights, and the like. I guess I didn't mind as it has always been sort of social activity to go work out with friends, see and be seen.  But it is also partially due to my moronic father who would always remind me "you were a fat baby, you're going to be a fat adult!" and every night would ask me whether I had worked out that day.  

My freshman year in college, I came home for Thanksgiving break and one night at dinner, I could feel my dad's eyes searing into me and finally he says, "Wow.  You've gained a lot of weight."  My brother stuck up for me and said all freshmen gain weight but the asshat argued, "yeah, but look at her!" as if I were some grotesque monster eating rather than studying for the previous three months.  I think I weighed 115 lbs at that time.  Not exactly obese for my 5'4" frame.

Another joyous memory comes to mind.... I'm 19 years old and just returned from an overseas trip to Europe.  Upon my arrival, after a big hug from my mother in the airport terminal, the first words from the man standing next to her were, "Gee, you've gotten fat."  Thanks, dad.  Great to see you too after being gone for almost an entire month.  I'm so glad to be home <insert sarcasm>.  For weeks thereafter, he (and I) would consciously watch what I ate, monitored my workouts and continued to berate my weight.  Even when I did lose all the weight plus more, I was never good enough, never thin enough.

For many years following these events, I suffered from hypergymnasia; in the gym often 2 times per day, 2 hours each time, 6 days per week, only once on the 7th day.  Excessive and obsessive? Uh, just a little.

Once I realized how insane I was being and after years of therapy dealing with my daddy-issues, I have continued to maintain a more sane healthy and active routine. In hindsight (and trying to see the positive), I can be thankful that he instilled my desire to want to stay thin.  I continued to exercise 4-6 times per week and attempted to eat well.  For the most part, I've been satisfied with my lifestyle and my body dismorphia hasn't been too out of control.

However, I've noticed that as I've gotten older, it's definitely become much harder to lose or even maintain my ideal weight.  And as I approached 40 last year, I knew I had to really up my game and increase my workout routines again; I had become lax and it was physically showing.  

For the last few months, this has been my weekly workout schedule:

Monday: 4pm private Pilates session / 5:30pm Zumba
Tuesday: 4:30pm interval training / 5:30pm yoga
Wednesday: 4:30pm strength training / 5:30pm Zumba
Thursday: 4pm private Pilates session
Friday: I will often take this day off but sometimes will go to a morning interval training class
Saturday: morning walk/hike
And recently, I've added U-Jam to my Sunday routine

Every day, I go to the office, go workout, come home, have dinner, shower, go to bed.  Wash, rinse, repeat the next day.  I've started to revolve my life around my workout schedule.  I've avoided social outings with friends during the weekdays as I knew it would interfere with my workout schedule.  Months have literally flown by and I see my fellow gym rats more than my immediate friends.

And I would finish the week and still feel like I should have worked out more.  More?  When?  How?  I would need to buy more workout gear!

<<The upside is that I have updated my workout wardrobe and I get to wear all my fun new outfits >>

Sorry, I got distracted by an email coupon I just received from Lucy.com....

They say you should visualize your goals - it helps if you have a mental image of what you want.  The body follows where the mind goes.  So in addition to my physical workouts, I started my visual conditioning and began following a few people on Instagram; folks who shared their before/after pics, workout regimens, diet plans, anything and everything related to fitness. I would look through pics and videos everyday hoping to preserve my motivation and keep my momentum going.  

But was it motivation or simply more reasons to look at my own body in dismay?  I would scroll through hundreds of selfies of these girls with their sharp hipbones, toned, stacked abs and firm, high butts and then look at myself and think, "why don't I look like that? I work out almost every day and I'll never have those abs. 

My (un)healthy neuroses was getting the best of me again.  I would hear my father in my head again, almost laughing and saying "I told you that you'd get fat!"  I've been extremely hard on myself and feel as though I haven't made much progress this last year.  I continually judge myself and feel unaccomplished; "I should have worked out longer, I should be stronger, I should be thinner."

Why am I so mean to myself?  Would I talk to my best friend like that?  Would I go to my friend and say "Yeah, you work out a lot. Shouldn't you be skinnier?" 

Of course, I wouldn't.  So why do I think it's ok for me to talk to myself like that?

What I've learned these last few weeks: sure I may have a few extra pounds on me but I'm ok with that, I'm NOT 22 anymore. I shouldn't feel guilty about getting older. (I'd like to think that) I am comfortable in my own skin and shouldn't let others, physical or imaginary, get to my psyche and dissuade me, or my progress, in any way.  

I'm grateful for my overall health.  I am embracing my body for what it is and try to nourish it as best possible. I'm grateful for the people who help me stay fit and motivate me to be the best physical version of myself.  I feel great for 40. Can I improve things, sure. I know I can adjust certain things here and there - perhaps increase my cardio, fine-tune my eating habits to cut out sugars - but at the end of the day, I'm happy for what and who I am and know that I can't compare my physical journey to anyone else.  The only person I need to be better than is the one I was yesterday.

I now need to go pack my gym bag.  Again.

I'm not 40 ~ I'm 29 with 11 years of experience

I am officially 40 years, 5 months and 2 weeks and 5 days old today.

<Cripes>

I think turning 39 was harder than 40.  You reach 39 and it's like "holy shit, I'm in my late 30s!"  But I have to say, turning 40 was pretty great.  I ended up spending my last days of my 30s in Costa Rica; and on the anniversary of my birth, am proud to admit that for only the second time in my life, went surfing and even got up a few times.  So, yeah, the actual day of turning 40, not too shabby!

The next 5 months and 19 days, well, that's a different story.

Tonight, a friend of mine emailed a photo of me that was taken about 6 years ago - I about fell off the couch when I saw how young I looked!  Only 6 years ago, I thought? Wow, I was 34.  I don't even remember 34, it seems so insignificant now? (although I did remember the outfit I was wearing, where I bought it and what shoes I had paired with it the day the photo was taken).

Where did that time go?  And where did that body go?

My motto for this year has been "New year, Old me!" meaning, I'm going to work hard again at work, make a sh*t load of money, workout like crazy and get my old body back.  Just like the good ol' days.  Damn, those good ol' days.  They always make you grateful for what you had before.... including a lithe, limber 30yr old body.

Last week, I had a riveting Friday night which included a text conversation with my best friend.  Topic: the excess amount of skin that has created a home around my waist and stomach.  She empathized and said "when I was younger, I could skip breakfast and it would go away!" Yeah, I remember when I could do a sit-up and mine would disappear.  These days, I'm at the gym for hours on end, 4-5 times per week... and yep... still there.

I was chatting with a couple of 20-something year olds in the kitchen at work last week and they were discussing their weekend plans of visiting various bars in Huntington and Newport Beach - the mere thought of day drinking well into the night made my body cringe.  But then I thought.. that used to be me, I would go out 5-6 nights a week!  I was the cool kid, too..... 15 years ago. Now, I just want to sit at home, enjoy a glass bottle of wine, away from the people.

When did I start noticing the wrinkles on my hands?  On my toes? When did my skin become so crinkly?  Is the skin on my neck sagging?  I also noticed that I'm much more concerned about doctor's appointments - annual exams, mammograms, dentist, optometrist, dermatologist - why all of a sudden am I so worried about my health?  Did turning 40 give me some weird sixth sense that made me more conscious about my aging body?

I've also been re-evaluating my wardrobe.  I did a purge in my closet this past weekend because I "accidentally" went to the mall and a few things randomly jumped into my arms (but that's for a different post as I want to tell you about my fun purchases). So I came home and realized it was a good time to discard some oldies.  It was wistfully easy to throw out a few items because 1) some shirts were aggressively gripping aforementioned unwanted skin 2) who wears turtle-necks anymore and 3) I finally caved to throw out items I've been holding onto for far too long (as if holding onto my youth).  For those of you who read my previous post (Catholicschoolitis), this was a daunting task in itself. 

The sad conclusion being that some of these clothes were simply not age appropriate for my body anymore.  The cutey sundresses, the short shorts, the mini skirts.  Not only do they not fit (!) but I look just plain silly trying to pull off some of these outfits now. 

I'm not saying that I'm only going to shop at Chico's (yes, you did get that reference) but this is a weird wardrobe age.  As funny as that sounds, I'm too young for mumus, too old for minis. Where do I belong?

I know I should be grateful for how I am aging - I'm Asian, we don't technically age until about 62 - but I guess I've become more humble to the fact that certain body parts aren't going to look the same from here on out....

So no, 40 is not the new 20.  I wouldn't redo one minute of the last 20 years.  And age is but a number, right? So, I am embracing 40, proud to be here and excited to see what the decade has in store for me.

Catholicschoolitis

I have suffered from a disease for the last several decades.  It is time that I come clean and admit to my sickness; I suffer from a major disorder called catholicschoolitis - this is a serious malady brought on by years and years of having to wear a Catholic school uniform or confined to a strict dress code.  Major symptoms include compulsive shopping, anxiety to shop and petting or hugging of clothes once in one's closet.


From Kindergarten through 8th grade, I was stuck in a typical catholic school uniform - white Peter Pan collared shirt, cardigan sweater and plaid skirt. Since most of my day was spent in school, my mother felt it unnecessary to have any "play" clothes and I think I may have had two pairs of pants, maybe 3 shirts and a few sweaters for the winter.  Probably enough for a small child but I would often get jealous of my school mates who would flaunt their Guess jeans and Esprit outfits on "free dress" days.

For four years in high school, I was imprisoned in a dress code that required a collared, solid shirt, tucked into solid pants or skirt and we had to wear socks and closed-toed shoes.  A little more room for creative expression, but let's be honest, we all still looked like one another because we all shopped at the same stores in the small town in which I grew up.

So by the time I had my own money, car and access to some of the largest malls in the country... it was all over.  I wanted and needed everything.  No more was I going to limit myself to only one pair of pants when I can have it in every color.  Why shouldn't I have skirts in various textures and patterns?  Who knew that jackets are an accessory and not just for warmth?  Why have only one pair of shoes, when the options were limitless - heels, flats, leather, suede, boots, sandals, t-strap, open-toe, peep-toe, mule, chunk heel, stiletto.  Why had my mother been keeping me from all these goodies all these years?  (Ok, probably fine that she kept me away from the stilettos at the time, but you get my point)

Funny enough, my mother actually knows cities by their malls - Union Square /San Francisco, Stanford Shopping Center / Palo Alto, Stoneridge Mall / Pleasanton, Arden Fair / Sacramento.  Of course she'd drive me there and just tease me with all the shoppes and rarely actually buy me anything.  To which I think only contributed to my ailment and initial onset of catholicschoolitis.  And a few years ago, my mother did take me on a trip to see the mall of all malls.... The Mall of America in Minnesota.  Yes, we actually flew to Minnesota just to go to the mall, that's it.

Ironically, since living on my own, I have always lived within walking distance to a major mall - Century City Mall / Century City, South Coast Plaza /Costa Mesa, Fashion Island / Newport Beach, Tustin Marketplace / Tustin.  I'm not sure if I was drawn to the convenience or I just needed to be near a mother ship in order to sustain life.  

So now as an adult, I question why I have this constant desire to have so many clothes, accessories and shoes.  Growing up in a small town, I was not exposed to fashion or trends and yes living in Southern California has socialized me to be more fashionably inclined - but honestly, I think it comes down to the fact that I couldn't have anything as a child and now I want EVERYTHING.  

Signs that you suffer from catholicschoolitis:
*  You have been shopping for too long in one day that when you arrive home with all your packages and realize you have bought two scarves in the same exact color.
*  You ask the sales person to keep the clothes on the hanger, rip off receipts in the car and tell your significant other that you just picked up dry cleaning.
*  You shop in boutiques, befriend the owner, then feel obligated to make a purchase.
*  You often play in your closet trying on clothes and putting together outfits.... for fun.
*  You lay in bed at night wondering why you haven't seen a certain shirt in awhile and actually get up to go find it... then don't wear it for another 7 months
*  Window shopping is not an option.
*  Aforementioned boutique owner not only knows your name but your style, your phone number and will often hold items just for you or text you when something new has arrived. 
*  Buyer's remorse.  You are not familiar with this expression.
*  Anxiety sets in when you can't wait to wear something.
*  You have bought at least 300 fabric hangers from Costco... and still don't have enough for all your clothes.
*  Purchasing jackets and sweaters in the middle of summer is common.
*  Sometimes you just go hang out in your closet and hug your clothes.
*  You wear unique or recognizable items only once a year.
*  When purging clothes, you come across items that have not seen the light of day in months, maybe years, but you hug it and squeal, "I LOVE this skirt!" then think of ways you can incorporate it in your outfits that week.
*  You will conjure up events of when you'll be able to wear a piece of clothing in order to justify keeping it.  For example, "I can wear this the next time I'm invited to a Sunday tea in July."  Or "This will be perfect for when I attend a dinner party with friends."
*  You dry clean everything except lingerie, pajamas and workout gear.

I'm not saying that these are things that have actually happened to me... but let's just say that I'm sitting here and four new pairs of shoes are staring at me waiting to be worn.  Or at least taken out of the box to be petted.

I don't know, maybe I'm just a girl and love clothes.  Maybe I am just bored and have nothing else to do with my time on the weekends.  But I like to think being restricted in what I could wear as a child has led me to suffer from this condition as an adult.  So to my fellow friends also plagued by this affliction, I say embrace your Catholicschoolitis and...

First World Problems

I've heard from a few friends recently regarding my last post (Conversations With God) and I felt compelled to write a follow-up because I think the message was misconstrued.  Nothing is wrong, nothing catastrophic has happened in my life, nor have I lost faith and hope in everything.  Yes, my head has been in a dense, gray fog but mainly by my own choice.

The fact of the matter is this:  I have become so overwhelmed with the notion that I have an open window of opportunity in front of me.  I am actually "struggling" with fact that I can do ANYTHING with my life right now.  Anything.  

Pretty incredible problem to have, right?

What has troubled me the most though is that several people have misinterpreted my frustration lately with unhappiness - and this couldn't be farther from the truth.  People would say "try to find joy in every day" or "I just want you to happy!"  So it was really disheartening to hear that I was somehow exuding this disposition of unhappiness or desperation when, in fact, I wake up every morning grateful to be here, in this particular predicament.  I think "wow, how lucky am I to have this type of problem?"

So it's not happiness that I seek - I've already been fortunate enough to find that.  But more so, it's about finding peace within this storm I've brewed for myself.  My frustration, not unhappiness, is rooted in my own impatience and learning to accept that everything will happen in its own time.

When I first started this blog, I was lost, trying to find this path I'm supposed to be on.  And recently, with the encouragement, help and inspiration from a few select people, (ironically, all of whom I've met since this journey began a few short months ago), I have found myself in this vortex of endless possibilities.  Knowing that my options are unlimited and hoping to have the courage to pursue even one of them has left me completely freaked out.  In a good way, though.  And I'm beyond excited, anxious, nervous and frankly, scared shitless about my next steps.

I'm not going to go into the specifics of all that I'm pondering for my path (I'll share more once the plan in put into action) but on top of all these other life changing decisions swirling in my head, I had a separate wrench thrown into my heart at the same time.  

Earlier this year, I met someone with whom I finally felt comfortable letting my guard down and allowed myself to become vulnerable again. Meeting Matt was a simple but complex gift.  His mere presence in my life reminded me that not only are there other wonderful and amazing people out there but that I could learn to give up my heart to someone unconditionally again; I discovered that I wasn't broken anymore.  

But just as I'm feeling comfortable caring about someone else again.... he tells me he's moving out of the country, indefinitely. I had just spent the last two years salvaging the broken pieces of my heart after the breakup with Julian, and God sent me someone so I could learn how to love again, only for it to be taken away much too soon.  I know Matt was sent to me for so many reasons, for which I'm so grateful, as my life IS changing because of him; he's the reason behind starting this blog, he's the reason I've been pushed on this self-discovering journey, he's the reason I'm so motivated to make some major changes for myself.  

For these reasons and more, the thought of him exiting my life after only this brief time, wrecked me. It's so rare to meet someone who can create such an astounding impact on your life and I wanted to hold onto that inspiration as long as possible. But I've learned that not everyone stays in your life forever; just long enough to teach a lesson that we needed to learn.

And because my mind was already trying to digest everything else, this threw me over the edge to the point of complete emotional numbness these last few weeks.  So yes, I was sad, frustrated, defeated and disappointed... but still lucky to know that I had been blessed with an amazing gift as a result.

So perhaps my last blog post was a bit over-dramatic and something I should have just kept to myself (or simply discussed with my therapist) but I'm fine, I'm not losing my head or utterly depressed beyond repair. I'm good.  I more than good.  I'm awesome :)  I just suffer from First World Problems.

Conversations with God

I started this post weeks ago but have re-written, deleted and edited it several times.  Like a few of my earlier posts, I can't seem to clearly illiterate what's been going on in my head.  So here I find myself again, hoping that writing will help me delineate this stirring anxiety.

A lot has been going on in my life recently; events that have left me disappointed, unsettled, confused but at the same time, very excited.  I'm treading through murky waters in my head, able to breathe, but feeling hopeless in seeing the big picture.

In any case, these assortment of feelings is what prompted this post.

-----------------------

I was raised Catholic, attended private Catholic school for 13 years, and went to  was forced to go to church every Sunday.  But I think the last time I went to mass was for a wedding whose bride and groom thought it would be fun to have their guests gruelingly sit through an hour and an half ceremony.  My own mother almost had a heart attack when I told her I wasn't going to get married in a church. "It's one of the seven sacraments!" she argued... eh, I've already done four of them and I'll catch the last one on my way out (Anointing of the Sick).  God should be happy with my over 50% completion rate.

Today, if asked with what religion I associate myself, I would still say Catholic but don't necessarily believe in the institution of organized religion (much less agree with the church's strict doctrines or its blindness to priest impropriety).  I definitely believe in a God but do not identify with the term agnostic.  I don't judge anyone for whatever god, Buddha, Allah or which bible, Tanakh, or Quran one follows.  Whatever gives you faith, hope and morals, I don't judge anyone for their religious beliefs as long as it does not inflict harm or endanger others.  However, I'm skeptical of atheists... again, I don't judge, just skeptical.

Every morning, the first thing that pops in my head is "thank you for letting me wake up" as I am grateful that God has given me another day.  I also spend a few minutes to thank him for all my blessings and ask for continued strength and guidance.  This may make me sound very religious, but I would consider myself more spiritual.  I truly believe in this higher power, someone who has a predestined path in store for me.

I believe that God does have a plan for me however, I also believe he gives us free will which allows us to do whatever we want and make whatever decisions along the way, but it will all eventually lead us to the same destination - how fast we get there and what choices we make along the way is ultimately up to us.

These last few weeks I feel as though I've been walking around in a fog, half asleep to the world around me.  I've been unable to think clearly and am struggling with day to day routine tasks.  I'm grappling with life-changing decisions and being pulled in so many  directions which has left me emotionally distressed.  Each day, I ask God to help me find some clarity in this madness and help me be at peace with whatever lesson or path he has me headed down.  And yet, I pray for patience as I feel my own has definitely been pushed beyond its limits.

Over the last 10+ years, I've sat through endless hours of therapy and read numerous self-help books. I've tried to find direction in anything from horoscopes, inspirational quotes and even met with a psychic last year (that's a GOOD story in itself - I'll save that for another post!) And I'm sure my Facebook friends are annoyed with the endless emo quotes and pictures that I share on my wall but I love these simple reminders to keep me inspired.  But I've always found that returning to God is what keeps me going; it will always be the center from where my faith resides.

But lately... I've become a bit frustrated, dubious and I guess, disheartened with the Big Guy upstairs.  As the saying goes, "God won't give you more than what you can handle".... well, these days, I've been questioning his own faith in me.  How strong does he think I really am?  And why does he need to continually test my strength by throwing me these life curve balls?  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"; well at this point, I should be able to lift a large Cadillac.  

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I know that everything that has happened has happened for a reason and everything - the ups and downs, the headache and heartache, the joys and the tears - have occurred to help me prepare for whatever else is next.  But I've become disoriented with whatever test He's giving me right now but to the point of frustration and almost annoyance.  I find myself having these unusual conversations with God, often to a point of tears, where I don't even know what to pray for anymore.  I know he has this master plan in mind for me but sometimes I hear inside my head scream, "Give me a break! I just need a little break from all this!"

I feel as though my prayers are going unheard - even typing that statement , I know it's not true. But I'm exhausted.  I'm tired of these tests.  I'm tired of acting strong.  I'm tired of convincing myself that it's all part of the plan.  I'm just tired.

Infomercial Junkie

You know when you're awake at 2am and can't fall asleep so you turn on the TV only to find every channel is broadcasting random infomercials?  And you think, "who is buying this crap?"

Hi!  That would be me.  I'm an infomercial junkie.

Yes, I'm a sucker for a good infomercial and will most likely be sold on anything if it has the right elements: positive testimonials, reviews, and of course, the celebrity endorsements.  And I'll watch the same infomercial again and again sometimes.

My addiction to infomercials originated with workout videos - I still have a VHS tape of Billy Blanks' Tae Bo; the participants in the workout are sporting Pat Benatar hairdos, colorful spandex pants with graphic sports bras and matching headbands.  I loved this video and probably used it 3-4 times per week..,. back in the 90s.  I wanted to help film his next video (I, too, had a Pat Benatar haircut and flashy headbands - I would have be perfect!)  

I've been working out since I was about 12 years old.  I thank my dad for giving me such a warped sense of body image but I guess it has helped me continue to live a pretty active lifestyle as an adult.  But because I do tend to bored with the same routine, I like to mix up my workouts.  I also like having the option of working out at home when the weather isn't ideal for exercising outside. So I've since added to my "home gym" collection to keep ol' Billy Blanks company.

These are just a few I've purchased:

Power90  - This is the original P90X; it's only Tony Horton (before all the botched Botox) and two other people in a small room and the only "equipment" is some tape to make an X on the floor.  The workout was quite boring and let's be honest, I never made it to Day 90.

Great Stretch/Thighs/Legs - These are also still on VHS and I've held onto them because they're actually pretty good workouts which target one area at a time and they're only 20 minutes long.  Funny enough, Tony Horton is one of the participants in some of them, pre-P90X fame.

TheFirm - this one is pretty funny.  Its instructors are this group of 20-something Southern belles with whom you'd rather enjoy tea than exercise.  But the package included a set of great hand weights which all came in a cute purple box. The music is horrible, the workouts are mediocre but it's a great "I'm tired but still want to workout" workout.  And you can't help but laugh at these cheesy girls who don't even break a sweat.

Yoga Booty Ballet - I've actually really enjoyed this series as it incorporates yoga poses, ballet moves and dance.  The instructors are fun, it's a good workout for your bum and they keep it fun and versatile.  Although, I think the camera man had a crush on one of the participants and keeps going back to her too frequently throughout the workouts.

Mitch Gaylord, Melt It Off - Do you remember Mitch from the 1984 Olympic Summer games?  He was a member of the famed men's gymnastic team that year.  I was obsessed with that Olympics and couldn't order this one fast enough.  I love this video simply for the fact Mitch flashes his pearly whites, and encourages you to keep going as you're on your 200th squat and 500th lunge.  (I couldn't walk for 2 days after the first time I used this one, no lie)

Brazilian Butt Lift - This one won in a toss up with the Zumba DVD.  I was really excited about this but it hasn't lived up to the hype.  One, throughout the workout, it flashes between an indoor studio and then a scene in Brazil with these gorgeous Brazilian girls doing the same workout beachfront.  There's about a nanosecond delay and the count and music is off sometimes.  Not overly annoying, but annoying enough to make me not want to do it (yeah, THAT'S the reason I don't use it!)  It's not a bad workout but it's also not a very entertaining and fun workout... I should have gone with Zumba.

(Most of these are Beach Body Workouts - what I should do is invest in that company instead!)

Leg Magic - Ok, this one I'm actually embarrassed to admit buying.  I have no clue what possessed me to purchase this one but in my defense, it must have been one damn good infomercial.  This was an actual machine that would "easily fold up to store under your bed..."  More like, folded up and shoved in the corner to collect dust.  I used this maybe two or three times and I remember the gal in the video was awful and probably one of the most un-motivating trainers I've ever seen.  For months, Julian would badger me about getting rid of it.  It finally went to Goodwill heaven the last time I moved.

Kettleworx - I didn't purchase this one myself but borrowed it from a friend.  The host is this good-looking Canadian who, hmmm, how should I put this.... wore shorts that were perhaps too fitted, enough to distract you from keeping count of your reps.  But it's a full-body workout and actually pretty decent.

(This is the first time I've written out all my purchases and I'm quite embarrassed with myself.)  But like I said, my infomercial obsession expands beyond the workout genre.

I have also given in to:

Cindy Crawford's Meaningful Beauty - Come on...who doesn't want to look like Cindy Crawford? I've been using this for several years and have been pretty satisfied with it and it's great because the product automatically shows up at my door every six months.  What's funny is that I still watch the infomercial every now and then when it is televised on early Saturday mornings.  

Turbo Cooker - This was purchased shortly after I moved in with Darin and it was going to help me "want" to cook more often... well, at least the motivation was there.  I can't recall the science behind this thing but I do remember you could put a frozen chicken breast in there and it would cook within 20 minutes.  And it came with a cool tray that you could cook other things in it simultaneously.  I remember cooking everything from pasta, chicken, veggies to even a cheesecake in this thing!  It was pretty amazing!  Looking back, the pan itself probably released so many harmful toxins during use, I'm sure it activated some cancerous cells in my body.  This too took a trip to Goodwill.

Moreover, my obsession isn't limited to the 30-minute fancy infomercial (by the way, I always get suckered into the "if you call in the next 12 minutes...") as I also love anything you typically can't buy in stores.  My favorites right now are the NeatDesk and the stuff you can use to clean the grime off your car headlights.

Needless to say, I have a problem.  Luckily, I haven't purchased anything in the last year or so but I'm sure one early morning, I'll see the latest craze and will get suckered into it sooner or later!

Arianna Huffington article

I'm cheating today and using someone else's writing... but this a great article, I had to share.

http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20130503130619-143695135-america-s-real-deficit-crisis?trk=eml-mktg-condig-0108-p1

Just Shut Up and Follow Me

Everything happens for a reason.

At the end of last year, I had to undergo surgery on my right shoulder for a torn rotator cuff.  The recovery has not only been painful but also slow and frustrating.  Since Dec. 26, 2012, I have been spending close to two hours in physical therapy, three times per week.  Not exactly how I'd like to be spending my time.

At the advice of my sister-in-law, I began therapy in February with an acupuncturist from whom she received successful treatment for a similar injury; at this point, I was going to try anything to get my shoulder moving again. I began driving all the way up to Redondo Beach to the Re Nu Mi Wellness Center for treatment every Saturday morning for the next two months.  Dr. Kim was no ordinary doctor and I was intrigued with his practice, his teachings and words of wisdom he imparted each session.  

After a few visits, Dr. Kim mentioned this retreat he had been hosting for many years and invited me to join this year's group.  For weeks, he would suggest that I go but I was a bit hesitant; I really wanted to but it was more of a financial issue for me.  But I followed my gut to attend and decided that it would be well worth it.

I'm so grateful my gut is wiser than my head.

It's been several days since returning from this weekend retreat in Sedona, AZ and I'm still finding it painstakingly difficult to find the words that can truly capture this powerful experience.  I've already written and re-written this entry many times over but still unable to clearly articulate my heartfelt feelings.  I thought writing would be cathartic and help me get my head around what I've been feeling but even so, I still can't find the "right" words to fully illustrate the magnitude and intensity of this experience.

And this retreat could not have come at a better time - as you may have read from a previous post, I have been feeling very lost and looking for something unknown.  So going into this weekend, I was hoping to perhaps find some clarity or some sort of direction, some kind of sign that would help me find my Life GPS.

I also wanted to approach the weekend with an open mind and an open heart; I had no expectations nor could I since, quite frankly, Dr. Kim doesn't give you much information other than a one-page itinerary that only includes where we would be staying and locations we'd be visiting in Sedona.  So off I went without any predisposed notion of what I was about to encounter. 

Including Dr. Kim, there were a total of 12 participants for our adventure.  We all lived in Southern California but all from different backgrounds.  Aside from the fact that we were all patients of his, there was this mysterious thread that uniquely tied us all together and it made me think that Dr. Kim specifically hand-picked each of us to meet and undergo this experience together.

The only thing that was asked of us was to bring a few personal intentions, prayers of sort.  Something that we wanted to work on or pray about, something that was perhaps troubling us in our lives at the moment, be it physical, emotional or whatever challenges we might be battling.  

On the first evening together, we took a night hike out to the Airport Vortex, laid out some blankets and stared up at the evening sky, littered with stars - living in a metropolitan area of Southern California, it's been a while since I've been able to see so many stars so this was a much welcome treat.  But as we laid there, we shared our intentions and prayers of what we were hoping to work on this weekend.  I shared my feelings of disorientation with my search for "something outside myself" and the discontentment with my inability to trust my own decisions. 

The rest of our weekend consisted of hikes out to several vortex locations for which Sedona is known, meditation and a sweat lodge purification ceremony.  I was not familiar with a sweat lodge until someone told me about a unique case (completely unrelated to Dr. Kim's retreats) where some people had died - by the way, not a good story to tell your mother before you leave on a weekend retreat out of town.  I was actually really intrigued about this ritual but more worried about my own physical state; I have passed out on two other occasions due to extreme heat and dehydration so I was rightfully anxious about sitting in a small hut that could top over 100 degrees inside.  

I won't go into too much of the actual ceremony itself as there is too much symbolism and ceremonious detail to really explain here.  But this I can share as it related to my experience:

One, it was super hot.  I kept trying to calm my nerves prior to going in by saying "I'm just going to hot yoga" but that did not come close to prepare me for as hot as it was there.  Two, it's pitch dark inside other than the temporary light from the fire-heated stones that are placed in the pit in the middle.  Moreover, I tend to be claustrophobic and this tented, low-ceiling area was smaller than my bedroom; and then cram 13 people inside with no room to stand up.  And on top of all that, I often suffer from vertigo if I'm unable to focus my eyes on something.  So between the passing out, claustrophobia and vertigo, I had to overcome my physical and mental feats pretty quickly.

About 20 minutes into it, I leaned over to Dr. Kim and bluntly said, "I don't feel well" as I was clearly about to freak out.  There were several moments when I wanted to crawl out of there as fast as possible as my body and mind succumbed to fear.  But I endured for the 2.5 hour ceremony but not without a little help from Dr. Kim who reminded me to breathe and always return to the center of my self.

Simple instructions can have a prodigious effect.

The next morning, our group met to recap our previous night's experience.  It was amazing to hear everyone's unique perspective, what they physically saw or felt and experienced. What I found curious was that several people in the group had this ah-ha moment; something spoke to them or they experienced something during the ceremony that seemed totally foreign to me.  I was almost, I hate to admit, jealous that they had a completely different experience than my own.  I was too concerned with getting through the ceremony physically, that I perhaps missed out on something; and as a result, I felt I had failed in some way.

And then it hit me.  I realized what its purpose was for me.  I remembered how each time when I wanted to focus on the others and their intentions and prayers, I had to keep coming back to myself, I had to return to my own well-being first. As much as I wanted to be there for my new friends and support them in whatever prayers they had to offer, I had to be strong for myself first.  

For years, I've always either been codependent on someone or looked to others for reassurance and approval; I've battled with major insecurities and self-doubt, I've second-guessed decisions or outright avoided making choices on my own altogether.  I always looked outside of myself, someone else to blame or depend on, yet it never dawned on me to look internally first.  I got through this ceremony because I focused on me; and now, and only now, can I see that I do possess my own inner strength on which I can depend instead.  And even more so, I can actually trust my gut and the decisions that I make (my gut knew to come on this retreat and it didn't stray me wrong there!).

Like the saying goes, you can't love someone else unless you love yourself first. In this case, I realized that I had to find strength in myself before I could give strength to others around me.  

I learned that I no longer have to look to others to build me up because I have the fortitude to stand on my own.  I learned that I can trust and have faith in myself first and foremost. I learned that I can be strong.  All I have to do is start with ME.  

I returned home feeling refreshed and spiritually revitalized.  The next day, I stayed home from work knowing that it may be challenging to re-enter my typical "real life" routine after being away for such an emotionally charging experience.  I took this day to really reflect on everything and really drink it all in.

However, the next day was a much different story.  We were told by one of the retreat moderators to not be surprised if we had feelings of depression or just out of sorts upon return to our normal lives.  Well for me, that was an understatement.  I returned to work and within seconds of sitting down at my desk, the two computer monitors on, voice mail light blinking at me, emails coming in - I was completely overstimulated to the point of suffocation.  I was overwhelmed with the effect everything was having on me and had to take a second to breathe and really reconfigure my mind.  I found myself having to stop every so often to just focus on my breath and be mindful of what I was doing.

Later that morning, I was casually telling some coworkers about the weekend and I was at a loss for words - something NOT common for me.  And then out of no where, I could feel an impeding moment of destitution; tears welled up in my eyes because not only was I struggling to find my words to explain what I was feeling but almost paralyzed by indescribable emotion.  Needless to say, I only lasted about three hours in the office and this extroverted recluse was much more calm in the solitude of my house, phone /tv off.

Today was a little easier although I did stay away from the office and chose to work from home.  I went for a walk and meditated for about 20 minutes which definitely helped soothe my mind and body.  I did have to go into physical therapy this afternoon but all the people and movement and just the realization that I was back home, having to deal with my everyday "stuff" including the continued rehabilitation of my shoulder, almost brought me to tears again.

I find it amusing when people say to me "oh, glad to hear it was a good weekend!" and I smirk and think, good?  Enlightening, interesting, complex, yes, but 'good' simply fails as a descriptor for this weekend.

It was comforting to hear that some of the other members of our group were in some way experiencing a similar aftermath and I can only hope tomorrow will be easier yet.  It's bewildering to see how three days away, in such a peaceful and serene yet energizing place like Sedona can really do a number on one's psyche.  I'm still trying to understand and appreciate all that I'm going through, but again... everything happens for a reason.  

These three days not only challenged us physically and mentally, but forced us to open our minds and our souls.  As I re-read this post over and over, it still doesn't really explain what happened to me this weekend.  But there's a reason I injured my shoulder; there's a reason my sister-in-law recommended Dr. Kim and why I waited several months to start seeing him; there's a reason I listened to my gut to attend the retreat; there's a reason I met these 11 amazing individuals whom I am so gracious and grateful to have met and shared this experience with.....

If you were to ask As Dr. Kim what the retreat was about, he would say, "oh just shut up and follow me."  And that pretty much explains it.  You just have have faith and follow him (who by the way, is like a billygoat climbing up heavy terrain mountainsides!) and approach it with an open mind.  And that's all I can say about it.

Please message me if you're interested in attending the next retreat in October - I highly recommend it to anyone and hope to be attending it again as well!

Interesting Observation

I was talking with some friends tonight about this blog and more specifically, the post about why I don't want kids, and I realized something very curious...they say the things you dislike in others are typically the same things that you don't like in yourself.  I think this same principle applies to my disdain towards having children:

1) they/ I talk too much and don't shut up
2) they're/ I'm always whining about something
3) they / I eat too much
4) they / I have way too many clothes/ stuff
5) they /I often scream for no reason

So there you have it... totally makes sense now.  :)