Advice for my 25-year old self

I turned 45 years old last October. Is that considered a milestone year?  Is that officially middle-aged?  Maybe it's time for some botox and lip fillers in dire hope to sustain my youth? Am I supposed to have a mid-life crisis, question my life and wonder if I should have made different choices when I was younger?

I always enjoy reading articles of folks reflecting on their lives and pose the "if I knew then, what I know now" scenario and what would they do differently.  Most of the time, it's very heartwarming and inspiring.

When I think back 20 years ago, I never would have imagined this is where I would be today - living in the middle of the Pacific, child-free with someone who wasn't my husband, away from my immediate family, friends, and USC football.  During my senior year in high school, we had a class project where we had to create a timeline of our future life - what we had envisioned for ourselves over the next few years.  I distinctively remember mine: I would graduate from UCLA (the horror!) with a degree in English Lit and Graphic Design, married by 24, working as a magazine editor, three kids by the time I was 30, and a summer house in Santa Cruz.

It's funny how things turn out.  Most of the time, for the better.

A few weeks ago, I had this one-sided conversation with Randy:
Me: Did you ever imagine that you'd fall in love with a beautiful girl and move to Hawaii?
Randy: No.
Me: It's like all your dreams you never had came true. 😉

I posted this as my Facebook profile pic last week but was hesitant  before I hit Save.  I gazed at this photo with immediate judgement; all I could see was how I had aged, the wrinkles that had formed around my eyes; the sun spots that were new; my hair was thinner than what I remembered; had I gained weight, my face was fuller; my brows were not as lush, my teeth were crooked....  The self-discernment had become my modus operandi for 40+ years; my internal critic was on auto-pilot.


But then I shut down that voice and saw the real me. Someone who had gone through some shit over the years but finally found genuine happiness and vitality. I knew behind the smile were tears, some very recent, some decades old, but that smile was a reflection of inner strength born from those tears.  I saw the wrinkles around my eyes and mouth as a by-product of years of laughter. The chubbier cheeks meant I was fortunate enough to feed my face. The added sun spots were a cherished memento after blissful hours spent under the Hawaiian sun.

I saw someone who was self-secure and didn't need validation from anyone nor any thing; someone who saw past materialistic bullshit and didn't feel the need to impress anyone anymore. I saw a woman who was finally comfortable in her own skin and felt beautiful makeup-free, someone who understands enjoying a good meal and glass of wine are more important than being a Size 2.

I saw someone who is strong and tenacious, yet a soul who laughs too much at the most inappropriate times and always cries while watching The Notebook. I saw a little girl who just wants to be loved.  I saw someone who wants to surround herself with those who accept her regardless of all her faults, not expecting her to be someone else. I saw an inner light that had learned to shine through all the storms. I saw someone who was living a life without regrets. I saw someone who was finally living for herself.

So, as I reflect on my life, what would I change?  How would I act differently? 

I would change nothing.

The choices I made in my past have formed the person I am today.  I'm grateful for the mistakes I made - those became lessons.  I'm grateful for those who broke my heart - you cannot appreciate the rainbow without the rain. I'm grateful for the countless jobs after college (10, to be exact) before I turned 25 as it taught me how to be frugal and humble.  I'm grateful for the people who stuck with me through my roller coaster 20s and 30s - you learn who your real friends are very quickly.

So if I were to say anything to my 25-year old self, I would cut through the bullshit, no warm and fuzzies:

"It's going to really suck at times.  You're going to doubt yourself, you're going to be scared, you're going to feel all alone.  You're going to want to quit - and a few times, you do give up and run away.  You're going to lose hope.  You're going to end up in hours and hours of therapy with several different therapists. You're going to find genuine love, several times, sometimes when you least expect it. And in some cases, you're going to lose these loved ones; some people and things are not meant to stay in your life. You're going to get your heart broken to shreds.  It will break you.  But no matter what, after many tears and several years, you'll get through it.  I promise. You're stronger than you know. God has a plan for you. Oh, and have fun. Don't let people tell you how to live your life - be true to yourself. Laugh as loud as you want.  Life is too short to be unhappy.  PS: Eat the pasta. And always order dessert."

You're going to be OK, 25-year old JoJo.