Expectations

When it comes to expectations of others, especially those we love, we count on a certain level of love and respect in exchange for the loving and caring things we do for them.  Love and expectations go hand in hand.  You can't love someone without expecting a little of the same in return; what we do ourselves, we would expect from others. However, the biggest disappointments in our lives are the result of misplaced expectations.

Hollywood has created unrealistic and false expectations on how we perceive relationships.  There is that whole Jerry Mcguire "you complete me" bullshit; looking for happiness and some sort of fulfillment in someone else when you should be creating your happiness within yourself first. That's a lot of pressure to put on one person, including yourself, setting the premise that you're not complete until you find "the one."  What a bunch of loaded crap. 

Romantic-comedies conjure up these stories that there's supposed to be some definitive progression of how a relationship should start, have its ups and downs but still end up happy in the end.  And every movie ends the same because that's how it's supposed to be, right?

Disney and most fairy tales play their part in creating these misconceptions, too.  We grow up waiting to find our Prince Charming, that knight in shining armor to come rescue us and live happily ever after.  We believe the whole narrative of our relationships should follow this magical story line.

[sidenote: does it bother anyone that in the story of Cinderella, the Prince falls madly in love with her in one night, yet can't remember what she looks like and has to go all over town with her shoe to find her?]

Every day I read various relationship "advice" columns and self-help newsletters; I love blogs/websites like mindbodygreen and Mark and Angel Hack Life.  Even the Huffington Post will have a few goods ones every so often.  But I just read one tonight which reiterates my exact point - the article is entitled "9 Reasons he's the One."  Articles like this perpetuate a check list that people think they need to adhere to in order to know whether or not their S.O. is a keeper. It's setting expectations that no ONE person is ever going to fulfill.  So if your boyfriend/fiance is missing two of these, you better break up with him?  Sure, these articles are good barometers to use but it sets certain impractical expectations for people. 

We also tend to let the influence of family and friends alter our expectations -  "is he the one?", "how did he propose?", "when are you getting married?", "when are you having kids?" - was it the fairy tale you were expecting?  We continually project these standards on one another of how a relationship should look and progress as if it should follow a certain step-by-step calendar of events and emotions. Why do we do this to one another?

Many people have unconsciously carried and embellished this picture in their head of that perfect relationship, sometimes since childhood.  Creating images of finding the "one" and hoping that it is going to be that fantasy we always dreamed it being. But I think people get so caught up in constructing these story lines not realizing that the second something looks askew, and that person doesn't live up to your expectations or something happens that wasn't supposed to, we become frustrated, let down, and disappointed.  

Now that my expectations haven't been met, I'm unhappy and unsatisfied and I want to jump ship. So who's to blame?  I've led to believe that this is often the sole root for most break-ups; someone went "off-script" and the other person is unwilling to see how the new story ends.

What I've learned about expectations:

1.  It's unrealistic.  

2.  Life is unpredictable and unconditional.  Just because it didn't turn out how you expected or wanted, doesn't mean it isn't going to turn out even better than you imagined.

3.  We're all individuals with different stories, different pasts on different paths with different desires.  No one can have the same expectations nor ever live up to your own. 

4.  Once you let go of expectations, acceptance of others settles in.  Loving someone means allowing them to be themselves.  And the moment you allow them to be themselves, you can appreciate them even more.  The sooner you accept someone for everything they are, the sooner you will be happy. If you know what to expect, you'll never be disappointed.  

5.  People don't change.  As soon as I learned to accept someone for who they are, we begin to love them even more with all their flaws and imperfections.  Learn to appreciate each other's idiosyncrasies and individual quirks.  People are perfectly imperfect.

6.  It's often a reflection of expectations of ourselves.  We expect so much of ourselves that we often project it unfairly onto others.    

7.  Expectations for relationships shouldn't follow a map or directions.  How your relationship starts and flourishes should be whatever and however works for you.  Sometimes a great relationship is just two idiots who don't know a damn thing except they are trying to figure it out together. It should never be measured by the amount of butterflies in your stomach or how you met - but based on honesty, respect and friendship.

8.  Relationships aren't perfect ALL the time.  Don't expect it to be.  

9.  Things/situations turn out as they're supposed to, not always as to how you expected.  But that's God's will and the sooner we learn to accept that, the happier we'll be, trusting it's in His hands.