My (un)healthy obsession

I've been working out since I was 12 years old. And I mean, actually going to the gym and working out on cardio machines, lifting weights, and the like. I guess I didn't mind as it has always been sort of social activity to go work out with friends, see and be seen.  But it is also partially due to my moronic father who would always remind me "you were a fat baby, you're going to be a fat adult!" and every night would ask me whether I had worked out that day.  

My freshman year in college, I came home for Thanksgiving break and one night at dinner, I could feel my dad's eyes searing into me and finally he says, "Wow.  You've gained a lot of weight."  My brother stuck up for me and said all freshmen gain weight but the asshat argued, "yeah, but look at her!" as if I were some grotesque monster eating rather than studying for the previous three months.  I think I weighed 115 lbs at that time.  Not exactly obese for my 5'4" frame.

Another joyous memory comes to mind.... I'm 19 years old and just returned from an overseas trip to Europe.  Upon my arrival, after a big hug from my mother in the airport terminal, the first words from the man standing next to her were, "Gee, you've gotten fat."  Thanks, dad.  Great to see you too after being gone for almost an entire month.  I'm so glad to be home <insert sarcasm>.  For weeks thereafter, he (and I) would consciously watch what I ate, monitored my workouts and continued to berate my weight.  Even when I did lose all the weight plus more, I was never good enough, never thin enough.

For many years following these events, I suffered from hypergymnasia; in the gym often 2 times per day, 2 hours each time, 6 days per week, only once on the 7th day.  Excessive and obsessive? Uh, just a little.

Once I realized how insane I was being and after years of therapy dealing with my daddy-issues, I have continued to maintain a more sane healthy and active routine. In hindsight (and trying to see the positive), I can be thankful that he instilled my desire to want to stay thin.  I continued to exercise 4-6 times per week and attempted to eat well.  For the most part, I've been satisfied with my lifestyle and my body dismorphia hasn't been too out of control.

However, I've noticed that as I've gotten older, it's definitely become much harder to lose or even maintain my ideal weight.  And as I approached 40 last year, I knew I had to really up my game and increase my workout routines again; I had become lax and it was physically showing.  

For the last few months, this has been my weekly workout schedule:

Monday: 4pm private Pilates session / 5:30pm Zumba
Tuesday: 4:30pm interval training / 5:30pm yoga
Wednesday: 4:30pm strength training / 5:30pm Zumba
Thursday: 4pm private Pilates session
Friday: I will often take this day off but sometimes will go to a morning interval training class
Saturday: morning walk/hike
And recently, I've added U-Jam to my Sunday routine

Every day, I go to the office, go workout, come home, have dinner, shower, go to bed.  Wash, rinse, repeat the next day.  I've started to revolve my life around my workout schedule.  I've avoided social outings with friends during the weekdays as I knew it would interfere with my workout schedule.  Months have literally flown by and I see my fellow gym rats more than my immediate friends.

And I would finish the week and still feel like I should have worked out more.  More?  When?  How?  I would need to buy more workout gear!

<<The upside is that I have updated my workout wardrobe and I get to wear all my fun new outfits >>

Sorry, I got distracted by an email coupon I just received from Lucy.com....

They say you should visualize your goals - it helps if you have a mental image of what you want.  The body follows where the mind goes.  So in addition to my physical workouts, I started my visual conditioning and began following a few people on Instagram; folks who shared their before/after pics, workout regimens, diet plans, anything and everything related to fitness. I would look through pics and videos everyday hoping to preserve my motivation and keep my momentum going.  

But was it motivation or simply more reasons to look at my own body in dismay?  I would scroll through hundreds of selfies of these girls with their sharp hipbones, toned, stacked abs and firm, high butts and then look at myself and think, "why don't I look like that? I work out almost every day and I'll never have those abs. 

My (un)healthy neuroses was getting the best of me again.  I would hear my father in my head again, almost laughing and saying "I told you that you'd get fat!"  I've been extremely hard on myself and feel as though I haven't made much progress this last year.  I continually judge myself and feel unaccomplished; "I should have worked out longer, I should be stronger, I should be thinner."

Why am I so mean to myself?  Would I talk to my best friend like that?  Would I go to my friend and say "Yeah, you work out a lot. Shouldn't you be skinnier?" 

Of course, I wouldn't.  So why do I think it's ok for me to talk to myself like that?

What I've learned these last few weeks: sure I may have a few extra pounds on me but I'm ok with that, I'm NOT 22 anymore. I shouldn't feel guilty about getting older. (I'd like to think that) I am comfortable in my own skin and shouldn't let others, physical or imaginary, get to my psyche and dissuade me, or my progress, in any way.  

I'm grateful for my overall health.  I am embracing my body for what it is and try to nourish it as best possible. I'm grateful for the people who help me stay fit and motivate me to be the best physical version of myself.  I feel great for 40. Can I improve things, sure. I know I can adjust certain things here and there - perhaps increase my cardio, fine-tune my eating habits to cut out sugars - but at the end of the day, I'm happy for what and who I am and know that I can't compare my physical journey to anyone else.  The only person I need to be better than is the one I was yesterday.

I now need to go pack my gym bag.  Again.