Expectations

When it comes to expectations of others, especially those we love, we count on a certain level of love and respect in exchange for the loving and caring things we do for them.  Love and expectations go hand in hand.  You can't love someone without expecting a little of the same in return; what we do ourselves, we would expect from others. However, the biggest disappointments in our lives are the result of misplaced expectations.

Hollywood has created unrealistic and false expectations on how we perceive relationships.  There is that whole Jerry Mcguire "you complete me" bullshit; looking for happiness and some sort of fulfillment in someone else when you should be creating your happiness within yourself first. That's a lot of pressure to put on one person, including yourself, setting the premise that you're not complete until you find "the one."  What a bunch of loaded crap. 

Romantic-comedies conjure up these stories that there's supposed to be some definitive progression of how a relationship should start, have its ups and downs but still end up happy in the end.  And every movie ends the same because that's how it's supposed to be, right?

Disney and most fairy tales play their part in creating these misconceptions, too.  We grow up waiting to find our Prince Charming, that knight in shining armor to come rescue us and live happily ever after.  We believe the whole narrative of our relationships should follow this magical story line.

[sidenote: does it bother anyone that in the story of Cinderella, the Prince falls madly in love with her in one night, yet can't remember what she looks like and has to go all over town with her shoe to find her?]

Every day I read various relationship "advice" columns and self-help newsletters; I love blogs/websites like mindbodygreen and Mark and Angel Hack Life.  Even the Huffington Post will have a few goods ones every so often.  But I just read one tonight which reiterates my exact point - the article is entitled "9 Reasons he's the One."  Articles like this perpetuate a check list that people think they need to adhere to in order to know whether or not their S.O. is a keeper. It's setting expectations that no ONE person is ever going to fulfill.  So if your boyfriend/fiance is missing two of these, you better break up with him?  Sure, these articles are good barometers to use but it sets certain impractical expectations for people. 

We also tend to let the influence of family and friends alter our expectations -  "is he the one?", "how did he propose?", "when are you getting married?", "when are you having kids?" - was it the fairy tale you were expecting?  We continually project these standards on one another of how a relationship should look and progress as if it should follow a certain step-by-step calendar of events and emotions. Why do we do this to one another?

Many people have unconsciously carried and embellished this picture in their head of that perfect relationship, sometimes since childhood.  Creating images of finding the "one" and hoping that it is going to be that fantasy we always dreamed it being. But I think people get so caught up in constructing these story lines not realizing that the second something looks askew, and that person doesn't live up to your expectations or something happens that wasn't supposed to, we become frustrated, let down, and disappointed.  

Now that my expectations haven't been met, I'm unhappy and unsatisfied and I want to jump ship. So who's to blame?  I've led to believe that this is often the sole root for most break-ups; someone went "off-script" and the other person is unwilling to see how the new story ends.

What I've learned about expectations:

1.  It's unrealistic.  

2.  Life is unpredictable and unconditional.  Just because it didn't turn out how you expected or wanted, doesn't mean it isn't going to turn out even better than you imagined.

3.  We're all individuals with different stories, different pasts on different paths with different desires.  No one can have the same expectations nor ever live up to your own. 

4.  Once you let go of expectations, acceptance of others settles in.  Loving someone means allowing them to be themselves.  And the moment you allow them to be themselves, you can appreciate them even more.  The sooner you accept someone for everything they are, the sooner you will be happy. If you know what to expect, you'll never be disappointed.  

5.  People don't change.  As soon as I learned to accept someone for who they are, we begin to love them even more with all their flaws and imperfections.  Learn to appreciate each other's idiosyncrasies and individual quirks.  People are perfectly imperfect.

6.  It's often a reflection of expectations of ourselves.  We expect so much of ourselves that we often project it unfairly onto others.    

7.  Expectations for relationships shouldn't follow a map or directions.  How your relationship starts and flourishes should be whatever and however works for you.  Sometimes a great relationship is just two idiots who don't know a damn thing except they are trying to figure it out together. It should never be measured by the amount of butterflies in your stomach or how you met - but based on honesty, respect and friendship.

8.  Relationships aren't perfect ALL the time.  Don't expect it to be.  

9.  Things/situations turn out as they're supposed to, not always as to how you expected.  But that's God's will and the sooner we learn to accept that, the happier we'll be, trusting it's in His hands.

My (un)healthy obsession

I've been working out since I was 12 years old. And I mean, actually going to the gym and working out on cardio machines, lifting weights, and the like. I guess I didn't mind as it has always been sort of social activity to go work out with friends, see and be seen.  But it is also partially due to my moronic father who would always remind me "you were a fat baby, you're going to be a fat adult!" and every night would ask me whether I had worked out that day.  

My freshman year in college, I came home for Thanksgiving break and one night at dinner, I could feel my dad's eyes searing into me and finally he says, "Wow.  You've gained a lot of weight."  My brother stuck up for me and said all freshmen gain weight but the asshat argued, "yeah, but look at her!" as if I were some grotesque monster eating rather than studying for the previous three months.  I think I weighed 115 lbs at that time.  Not exactly obese for my 5'4" frame.

Another joyous memory comes to mind.... I'm 19 years old and just returned from an overseas trip to Europe.  Upon my arrival, after a big hug from my mother in the airport terminal, the first words from the man standing next to her were, "Gee, you've gotten fat."  Thanks, dad.  Great to see you too after being gone for almost an entire month.  I'm so glad to be home <insert sarcasm>.  For weeks thereafter, he (and I) would consciously watch what I ate, monitored my workouts and continued to berate my weight.  Even when I did lose all the weight plus more, I was never good enough, never thin enough.

For many years following these events, I suffered from hypergymnasia; in the gym often 2 times per day, 2 hours each time, 6 days per week, only once on the 7th day.  Excessive and obsessive? Uh, just a little.

Once I realized how insane I was being and after years of therapy dealing with my daddy-issues, I have continued to maintain a more sane healthy and active routine. In hindsight (and trying to see the positive), I can be thankful that he instilled my desire to want to stay thin.  I continued to exercise 4-6 times per week and attempted to eat well.  For the most part, I've been satisfied with my lifestyle and my body dismorphia hasn't been too out of control.

However, I've noticed that as I've gotten older, it's definitely become much harder to lose or even maintain my ideal weight.  And as I approached 40 last year, I knew I had to really up my game and increase my workout routines again; I had become lax and it was physically showing.  

For the last few months, this has been my weekly workout schedule:

Monday: 4pm private Pilates session / 5:30pm Zumba
Tuesday: 4:30pm interval training / 5:30pm yoga
Wednesday: 4:30pm strength training / 5:30pm Zumba
Thursday: 4pm private Pilates session
Friday: I will often take this day off but sometimes will go to a morning interval training class
Saturday: morning walk/hike
And recently, I've added U-Jam to my Sunday routine

Every day, I go to the office, go workout, come home, have dinner, shower, go to bed.  Wash, rinse, repeat the next day.  I've started to revolve my life around my workout schedule.  I've avoided social outings with friends during the weekdays as I knew it would interfere with my workout schedule.  Months have literally flown by and I see my fellow gym rats more than my immediate friends.

And I would finish the week and still feel like I should have worked out more.  More?  When?  How?  I would need to buy more workout gear!

<<The upside is that I have updated my workout wardrobe and I get to wear all my fun new outfits >>

Sorry, I got distracted by an email coupon I just received from Lucy.com....

They say you should visualize your goals - it helps if you have a mental image of what you want.  The body follows where the mind goes.  So in addition to my physical workouts, I started my visual conditioning and began following a few people on Instagram; folks who shared their before/after pics, workout regimens, diet plans, anything and everything related to fitness. I would look through pics and videos everyday hoping to preserve my motivation and keep my momentum going.  

But was it motivation or simply more reasons to look at my own body in dismay?  I would scroll through hundreds of selfies of these girls with their sharp hipbones, toned, stacked abs and firm, high butts and then look at myself and think, "why don't I look like that? I work out almost every day and I'll never have those abs. 

My (un)healthy neuroses was getting the best of me again.  I would hear my father in my head again, almost laughing and saying "I told you that you'd get fat!"  I've been extremely hard on myself and feel as though I haven't made much progress this last year.  I continually judge myself and feel unaccomplished; "I should have worked out longer, I should be stronger, I should be thinner."

Why am I so mean to myself?  Would I talk to my best friend like that?  Would I go to my friend and say "Yeah, you work out a lot. Shouldn't you be skinnier?" 

Of course, I wouldn't.  So why do I think it's ok for me to talk to myself like that?

What I've learned these last few weeks: sure I may have a few extra pounds on me but I'm ok with that, I'm NOT 22 anymore. I shouldn't feel guilty about getting older. (I'd like to think that) I am comfortable in my own skin and shouldn't let others, physical or imaginary, get to my psyche and dissuade me, or my progress, in any way.  

I'm grateful for my overall health.  I am embracing my body for what it is and try to nourish it as best possible. I'm grateful for the people who help me stay fit and motivate me to be the best physical version of myself.  I feel great for 40. Can I improve things, sure. I know I can adjust certain things here and there - perhaps increase my cardio, fine-tune my eating habits to cut out sugars - but at the end of the day, I'm happy for what and who I am and know that I can't compare my physical journey to anyone else.  The only person I need to be better than is the one I was yesterday.

I now need to go pack my gym bag.  Again.

I'm not 40 ~ I'm 29 with 11 years of experience

I am officially 40 years, 5 months and 2 weeks and 5 days old today.

<Cripes>

I think turning 39 was harder than 40.  You reach 39 and it's like "holy shit, I'm in my late 30s!"  But I have to say, turning 40 was pretty great.  I ended up spending my last days of my 30s in Costa Rica; and on the anniversary of my birth, am proud to admit that for only the second time in my life, went surfing and even got up a few times.  So, yeah, the actual day of turning 40, not too shabby!

The next 5 months and 19 days, well, that's a different story.

Tonight, a friend of mine emailed a photo of me that was taken about 6 years ago - I about fell off the couch when I saw how young I looked!  Only 6 years ago, I thought? Wow, I was 34.  I don't even remember 34, it seems so insignificant now? (although I did remember the outfit I was wearing, where I bought it and what shoes I had paired with it the day the photo was taken).

Where did that time go?  And where did that body go?

My motto for this year has been "New year, Old me!" meaning, I'm going to work hard again at work, make a sh*t load of money, workout like crazy and get my old body back.  Just like the good ol' days.  Damn, those good ol' days.  They always make you grateful for what you had before.... including a lithe, limber 30yr old body.

Last week, I had a riveting Friday night which included a text conversation with my best friend.  Topic: the excess amount of skin that has created a home around my waist and stomach.  She empathized and said "when I was younger, I could skip breakfast and it would go away!" Yeah, I remember when I could do a sit-up and mine would disappear.  These days, I'm at the gym for hours on end, 4-5 times per week... and yep... still there.

I was chatting with a couple of 20-something year olds in the kitchen at work last week and they were discussing their weekend plans of visiting various bars in Huntington and Newport Beach - the mere thought of day drinking well into the night made my body cringe.  But then I thought.. that used to be me, I would go out 5-6 nights a week!  I was the cool kid, too..... 15 years ago. Now, I just want to sit at home, enjoy a glass bottle of wine, away from the people.

When did I start noticing the wrinkles on my hands?  On my toes? When did my skin become so crinkly?  Is the skin on my neck sagging?  I also noticed that I'm much more concerned about doctor's appointments - annual exams, mammograms, dentist, optometrist, dermatologist - why all of a sudden am I so worried about my health?  Did turning 40 give me some weird sixth sense that made me more conscious about my aging body?

I've also been re-evaluating my wardrobe.  I did a purge in my closet this past weekend because I "accidentally" went to the mall and a few things randomly jumped into my arms (but that's for a different post as I want to tell you about my fun purchases). So I came home and realized it was a good time to discard some oldies.  It was wistfully easy to throw out a few items because 1) some shirts were aggressively gripping aforementioned unwanted skin 2) who wears turtle-necks anymore and 3) I finally caved to throw out items I've been holding onto for far too long (as if holding onto my youth).  For those of you who read my previous post (Catholicschoolitis), this was a daunting task in itself. 

The sad conclusion being that some of these clothes were simply not age appropriate for my body anymore.  The cutey sundresses, the short shorts, the mini skirts.  Not only do they not fit (!) but I look just plain silly trying to pull off some of these outfits now. 

I'm not saying that I'm only going to shop at Chico's (yes, you did get that reference) but this is a weird wardrobe age.  As funny as that sounds, I'm too young for mumus, too old for minis. Where do I belong?

I know I should be grateful for how I am aging - I'm Asian, we don't technically age until about 62 - but I guess I've become more humble to the fact that certain body parts aren't going to look the same from here on out....

So no, 40 is not the new 20.  I wouldn't redo one minute of the last 20 years.  And age is but a number, right? So, I am embracing 40, proud to be here and excited to see what the decade has in store for me.